Enjoy this beastly celebration of National Pun Day

In America, we celebrate just about everything, so it may come as no surprise to you that today, March 4 (March Forth!), pun-up girls and pun gents observe National Pun Day. I’ve been a pun gent my whole life and truly believe that the pun is worth celebrating all year round. After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword.

While circus performers draw laughter and applause for their efforts, punsters sometimes draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that many people groan at puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t funnery. If the pun is truly clever, the groan usually signifies a kind of suppressed admiration for the verbal acrobatics on display, and perhaps a hidden envy.

Everybody loves humor about our fellow creatures who run jump and fly and crawl and swim and burrow above, on, and inside our prolific planet. I adore animal riddles.

Sharpen your pun cells, O pun pals. Let’s get to wit:

Duck riddles quack me up. Porcupine riddles are sharp and to-thepoint. Elephant jokes are worth the weight. Skunk riddles are real stinkers, but they become best smellers. Zebra riddles are black and white and read all over.

Dinosaur riddles are old, but antelope riddles are gnu. Giraffe riddles tell tall tales. They may be over our heads, but we look up to them. Chihuahua riddles are short, but Dachshund riddles are long. Dalmatian riddles hit the spot, and Boxer riddles have great punch lines.

Mountain goat riddles rock. Oyster riddles contain pearls of wisdom. Snake riddles don’t have a leg to stand on, but they are disarming. Parrot riddles are wordy, but they’re the real macaw. Woodpecker riddles inspire great knock-knock jokes. And kangaroo riddles are best by leaps and bounds.

What do you call a naked grizzly? A bare bear. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A hoarse horse.

What do you call a naked grizzly? A bare bear. What do you call rabbit fur?

Hare hair. What do you call a smelly chicken? A foul fowl. What do you call a precious buck? A dear deer. What do you call a cry from our largest mammal? A whale wail. What do you call an insect relative? An ant aunt. And what do you call an antlered animal’s dessert? Moose mousse.

• Two silkworms were in a race.

They ended up in a tie.

• What do you call a flying monkey?

A hot-air baboon.

• What did the beaver say to the tree? “It’s been nice gnawing you.”

• What do soldiers use to hide from their enemies in the desert? Camelflage.

• Did you hear about the cat walking on the beach on Christmas Eve?

She had sandy claws.

• How do you know when it’s raining cats and dogs? When you step in a poodle.

• What did the little chicken say when she discovered a fruit in her nest? “Look at the orange Mama laid.”

• What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

• Why does a dog get so hot in the summer? Because it wears a coat and pants.

• What is a duck’s favorite snack?

Cheese and quackers.

• What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino!

• What’s a kangaroo’s favorite time of year and favorite kind of music? Spring, especially in a leap year, and hip hop.

• How can you make a fortune buying pigs and deer? Just buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer — and you’ll have 100 sows and bucks.

• What do sheep say during the holiday season? “Fleece Navidad! Fleece on earth and good wool to men.”

This is Richard Lederer, elected International Punster of the Year (yes, there is such an award), wishing you a punderful life.

***

On March 12, at 2 a.m., daylight saving time will kick in, and we will punningly “spring ahead.” Notice that I didn’t write daylight savings time. Think about it: We’re not talking about a savings bank here; we’re talking about saving daylight (even though daylight saving time doesn’t actually save any daylight).

***

Next Saturday, March 11, starting at 2 p.m., I’ll be performing “Fun with Dr. Grammar Guy” at the Ocean Beach Library, 4801 Santa Monica Ave. Free admission. I’d love to meet you there.