Thank Trump for ’26 Cup

The joint entry of the United States, Canada and Mexico landed the 2026 World Cup, and let’s send our hearty congratulations and thanks to Donald Trump.

Why? Two reasons.

One, if we don’t show the proper gratitude for his efforts to bring the World Cup here, Trump might get his feelings hurt and give the Cup to North Korea.

Two, Trump really did help North America land the World Cup. Seriously. He did it by overcoming the main obstacle to North America’s bid: Donald Trump.

In the run-up to the FIFA voting, insiders and experts said that the No. 1 factor working against North America’s bid was Trump. His various immigration restrictions and travel bans caused soccer leaders around the world to fear their players and fans would have the door to America slammed in their faces.

In addition, Trump’s wellpublicized disdain for “s—hole countries” caused concern over what kind of welcome visitors from these countries would receive here.

To assuage these fears, Trump had his people send letters to FIFA guaranteeing that his policies would not impact players, soccer administrators or fans coming to America in 2026, according to the New York Times.

That’s right: Trump won the confidence of the Cup voters by telling them, in effect, “Don’t worry about that Trump guy. I’ll take care of him.”

Yet to be explained: Trump’s travel bans, restrictions and immigration policies are supposedly designed to prevent terrorists from invading America, so what happens when we relax those laws and rules for the World Cup? Whatever. We won! The U.S.A. will host 60 of the 80 World Cup matches in 2026, as we share the glorious global party with our BFF next-doorneighbor allies Mexico and Canada! What could go wrong?