San Francisco Chronicle - (Sunday)
A gift for all, even teams on the move
I loaded the old sleigh with all my holiday gifts, but blew out a reindeer and had to call AAA for a tow to the garage. So, my gifts will be late this year. It’s the thought that counts.
For Stephen Curry: A commission as an officer in Trump’s new Space Command, so Steph can make amends for disrespecting the U.S. space program. Curry can help Space Command build a force shield around Earth and make the Martians pay for it.
For A’s fans: A downtown Oakland gallery to display all the gorgeous artist renderings of proposed A’s ballparks through the decades. With room for expansion.
For Mavericks surfers: Nothing. If you’ve ridden the monsters at Mavericks, what the hell could I possibly give you?
For Nick Mullens: Because he practices calling plays while listening to annoying and distracting crowd noise in his headphones, a recorded loop of the Kars-4-Kids commercial. For Farhan Zaidi: A bigname acquisition. And protection from the lunatic fringe when he deals MadBum. For Madison Bumgarner: A really good playing situation, here or elsewhere, because who’s been a better guy through the years than MadBum?
For Bryce Love: A great and long career as a major-impact guy. And before that, a few good seasons in the NFL.
For Roger Goodell: A complete set of Nancy Drew books, so he can pick up tips for solving mysteries, such as how to obtain hotel security video. He might want to start with my favorite Nancy Drew mystery, “The Case of the Missing Moral Compass.”
For sports fans: More Onion headlines like, “Should the NFL Prohibit Players From Appearing in Hotel Security Footage?”
For the Warriors: Kevin Durant’s signature on a contract. But for only one season. Otherwise we’d miss out on all the what-next drama and anxiety.
For Bruce Bochy: A year’s supply of chill pills, for when he gets those calls from Farhan. Boch, I want you to start Pablo tonight. No, not at third base, at pitcher. Then in the second inning, we’ll go with Pat Venditte lefty, and in the third, Venditte righty.
For Pat Venditte: A contract clause that stipulates that the Giants can’t send him down to the minors as a lefty while keeping him with the big club as a righty. That’s just too much travel.
For Derek Carr: Some of those Bochy chill pills, to help the high-strung quarterback in dealing with the Evil Doctor Chucky.
For Tara VanDerveer and Lindsay Gottlieb: A StanfordCal meeting for the national championship, featuring two coaches who have done so much for women’s sports in the Bay Area and beyond, and for their players.
For Giants’ fans: A moment of sanity from the Giants’ brass, ending talks with the Raiders regarding playing next season at AT&T Park. The Raiders don’t deserve that easy out. Let ’em scramble to find a high school stadium in Lodi.
For Tim Flannery: A full calendar of bookings for you and the Lunatic Fringe, rockin’ in the free (last time I checked) world.
For the city of Oakland: Regardless of how your lawsuit against the Raiders shakes out, a court order that the Raiders must take Mt. Davis with them to Las Vegas. Because tearing that baby down and hauling it away, for whoever does it, will be a B-word.
More for the city of Oakland: A court order that the Warriors take Oracle with them when they leave. The huge expense of removing two sports venues is a big impediment to the development of the Coliseum land.
For Iditarod dogs: A union. For the Raiders: Something they haven’t had in a long time — a crackerjack brain running the football operations.
For the Cheez-It Bowl: A reminder to fans that the name of the bowl is a misnomer, since real men don’t eat CheezIts out of a bowl.
For Jon Gruden (This idea from sports gadfly Andy Dolich): Since Gruden has waxed poetic about the sadness of leaving the Coliseum, he can fund a thank-you gift to Raiders fans. At every Las Vegas home game, Gruden could fly in a group of longtime Oakland fans, chosen by lottery.
For the 49ers: The phone number of the Santa Clara Police Department, so they can check in once in a while and find out if any of their players has, uh, required police assistance.
For Colin Kaepernick :A disguise kit. Or maybe he’s already got one, and he disguised himself as Nathan Peterman and got signed to an NFL contract.
For Eric Reid: His own monogrammed pee cup, for those “random” urine tests the NFL randomly makes him take almost every Sunday.
For Huey Lewis: A full return of his hearing so this friend of Bay Area sports can take his rockin’ News back out on the road where they belong. For Jimmy Garoppolo :A Waze app programmed with the shortest route to out of bounds.
For Oakland fans: A team owner with a heart.
For all my newspaper colleagues who work the realworld side of the news, digging up the good and the bad, seeking the truth: Respect.