Nobody likes a smart assemblage

There’s an organization you may have heard of called Mensa. It’s very exclusive. You have to test out in the top two percent in intelligence in order to get in.

Personally, I’ve never applied. Not me. I’m too smart to join an organization like that.

It isn’t that I have anything against Mensans, although I’m not sure I’d want my daughter to marry one. Heck, a very few of my best friends are Mensans. And they have a minority group’s pride in their heritage.

“It’s really just a social organization,” they’ll tell you, defensively. “We like to get together with our own kind.”

And you can image the good times they have:

“Hi, there, George. The square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the Palamides. 10 p.m. $22; Sketchfest presents Death Hammer, Drunk Theatre Company, Hail to the Queen. 11 p.m. $15. Sat.: Sketchfest presents Kevin McDonald Improv and Sketch Workshop. 10 a.m. $300; Sketchfest presents Reducgress Satire Writing Workshop. 1 p.m. $60; Sketchfest presents Sup Doc with George Chen, Paco Romane and Will Scovill. 5:30 p.m. Free; Sketchfest presents Death Hammer, ESC, Hail to the Queen. 7 p.m. $15; Sketchfest presents UCB East (Ice Cold Bev) vs. UCB West (PONY). 8 p.m. $22; Sketchfest presents Daytime Talk at Night, Kids These Days, The Get Brown. 9 p.m. $15; Sh*t Arcade with Mike Drucker. 10 p.m. $25; Sketchfest presents Spooky Dookie, Granny Cart Gangsters, Queer and Now. 11 p.m. $15. Next Sun.: Sketchfest presents Reductress. 1 p.m. $60; Sketchfest presents Traumatized with Erin and Jason. 5:30 p.m. Free; Sketchfest presents Spooky Dookie, squares of the other two sides.”

“And sin, cos and tan to you, Al.”

So, there was Mensa, a happy little in-group, united in the common purpose of any organization — which is, of course, to keep everybody else out.

Only now a terrible schism is rocking Mensa to its very foundation.

It’s the fault of the top one percent. They’ve now formed an even more in-group inside Mensa called Intertel. It’s limited to the top one percent. Therefore, it’s twice as intelligent an organization as Mensa and twice as exclusive.

Naturally, Mensans who are too stupid to get into Intertel are pretty sore about the whole thing. “A bunch of intellectual snobs,” is the way Nipsey and Secret Family, Andie Main. 7 p.m. $15; Sketchfest presents Deep Night with Dale’s Vortex Variety Hour. 8 p.m. $15; Sketchfest presents Greetings From Queer Mountain with MIchael Foulk. 10 p.m. $15. 144 Taylor St., S.F. 415-816-3681. www.pianofight.com

Punch Line Comedy Club Today and next Sun.: S.F. Comedy Showcase. 8 p.m. $14-$16. Tues.-Thurs.: A Gay Old Time. 8 p.m. $18.50$20.50. Fri.: Sketchfest presents Matteo Lane and Kate Willett. 8 and 10:15 p.m. $24. Sat.: Sketchfest presents Emmy BLotnick and Zainab Johnson. 7 and 9:15 p.m. $24. 444 Battery St., S.F. 415-3974337. www.punchline comedyclub.com

EAST BAY

Comedy Oakland Thurs.: Alex Falcone, Drew Harmon, Michael Alvarenga, Ben Feldman, Samson Koletkar. 8 p.m. they refer to Intertel members. “I wouldn’t join Intertel even if I could.”

And you certainly can’t blame them. How’d you like to know you were too stupid to get into some exclusive club?

But you can envision what’s coming next:

“I see where you test out in the top one-half per cent, George, just like me. Now Intertel may be all right for the masses, but I feel we top one-halfers should get together with our own kind.”

Eventually, of course, there will be an in-in-inin-in-group composed exclusively of George and Al. And when Al tests out one-millionth a percentile higher, he’ll form the most exclusive organization of all, consisting of the smartest man in the whole wide world. And he won’t have a friend to his name. $15-$19. Fri.: Butch Escobar, Dave Bressourd, Ben Feldman, Samson Koletkar. 7:30 p.m. $17-$22; Lilibeth Helson, Butch Escobar, Kethia Chheng, Ben Feldman, Ira Summer. 9:45 p.m. $15-$20. Sat.: Rio Hillman, Valerie Vernale, Drew Harmon, Ian Levy, Patrick Jaye, Madison Hedgecock, Ira Summer. 7 p.m. $20-$29; Paul Conyers, Rio Hillman, Samson Koletkar, Liz Stone, Anthony Desamito, Ira Sumer. 9:30 p.m. $18-$23. Spice Monkey, 1628 Webster St., Oakland. 510-214-2626. www.comedyoakland.com

Tommy T’s Today: George Lopez. 7 p.m. $50-$65. Fri.next Sun.: Damon Williams. 7:30 and 10:15 p.m. Fri.; 7 and 9:45 p.m. Sat.; 7 p;.m. Sun. $20-$30. 5104 Hopyard Rd., Pleasanton. 925-227-1800. www.tommyts.com

NORTH BAY

Throckmorton Theatre Tues.: Tuesday Night Comedy

Well, that’s the way it goes with organizations, from Cub Pack 100 to the Hell’s Angels. The more exclusive they are, the more superior their members feel. And the more widely they’re hated. Who wants to be hated? With that in mind., I hereby offer you a lifetime membership in the only organization worthy belonging to.

We don’t exclude anyone on the basis of religion, color, age, intelligence, morality, nationality, strength, finances, lineage, education or social graces. It’s called the human race.

What the heck, we’ll even let the Mensans in.

This column originally appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle on Jan. 3, 1968. with Jake Adams, G King, Bob Dubac and others. 8 p.m. $17-$27. Thurs.: Mort Sahl. 7 p.m. $20. Fri.-Sat.: 3 For All. 8 p.m. $28-$43. 142 Throckmorton Ave., Mill Valley. 415383-9600. www.throckmortontheatre.org

SOUTH BAY

Improv Comedy Club Today: Chris Kattan. 7 p.m. $22. Wed.-Thurs.: Mike Quu. 8 p.m. $15. Fri.-Sat.: Joel McHale. 7:30 and 9:45 p.m. Fri.; 7 and 9:30 p.m. Sat. $30. Next Sun.: J.F. Harris. 7 p.m. $15. 62 S. Second St., San Jose. 408280-7475. sanjose.improv.com

Rooster T. Feathers Today: Paco Romane. 7 p.m. $15. Wed.: New Talent Showcase. 8 p.m. $10. Thurs.-next Sun.: Moses Storm. 8 p.m. Thurs.; 9 p.m. Fri.; 7 and 9:30 p.m. Sat.; 7 p.m. Sun. $24. 157 W. El Camino Real, Sunnyvale. 408-736-0921. www.roostertfeathers.com