San Francisco Chronicle - (Sunday)
Off with headphones — draft is family time
Pounding the sports beat while planted in a big fat chair ... This is offered from the perspective of a parent: Kids, if you reach a wonderful crowning moment in your life, when, in the comfort of your family’s living room, you are suddenly thrust into a national TV spotlight, and you are flanked by your proud parents, who helped you reach this milestone, PUT DOWN YOUR FREAKING CELLPHONE AND TAKE OFF YOUR FREAKING HEADPHONES. Please. Thank you. Draftees, hello, those are not stage props, those are parents. Night One was the best draft in the past 20 years in terms of viewer appeal. We got to see all the team execs and players in their natural habitats, and Commissioner Roger Goodell in an almost lifelike setting. The traditional bigauditorium stageshow drafts were like commencement ceremonies at a college for large CPAs. The national anthem before the draft? Should we be doing that before every meal, too? I do just dinner. Goodell hosting the draft is like a really good actor, Brando or Olivier, playing the role of a stiff corporate big shot trying with every ounce of his being to be cool and loose. I haven’t factchecked this, but I’m pretty sure Goodell rented that dog. It’s not Goodell’s fault, he needs a sidekick. You can’t have a “Wayne’s World” basement draft without a Garth. Marshawn Lynch? Excellent! Party time! At least Goodell had some funny material, like when he pronounced Tua Tagovailoa’s last name Tongavalova. Nice try, Commissioner Gloodschnuck. In fairness, who knew that Tua kid would even get drafted? Draft night’s coolest home? Tagovailoa’s home in Hawaii. Could not be more Hawaiian if they had an active volcano instead of a fireplace. Is it written in the U.S. Constitution that the league commissioner has to conduct the draft? If so, it’s time that Congress got busy with an amendment. Next year’s draft, I want either Chris Rock or Ricky Gervais. We got a nice personal glimpse of all the drafted players and team coaches and execs. Cardinals coach Kliff Kingsbury, for instance, lives in a really nice mausoleum. One GM, not sure which, does a lot of biggame hunting. Either that or he has a lot of nosy wildlife neighbors who poke their heads through his walls. The coolest NFL coach is Kyle Shanahan. That was cute, having his kids in his draft room. At least I assume those were his kids, and not household staff. On the coolness scale, Tampa Bay head coach Bruce Arians was a close second. Arians always looks like he’s about to whip out a trumpet and play some Miles. At 8 o’clock Thursday night, I couldn’t tell if my neighbors were howling or booing draft picks. I wasn’t even sure about myself. Fun fact: ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr. sweated off 9 pounds during the Thursday telecast, including 2 pounds of hair gel. Would you rather be described as having: a) arm talent, b) a high motor, or c) a big upside? I have been described as “highfalutin’.” Is that good? The mayor of Las Vegas, Carolyn Goodman, says she wants the city to reopen for business now. If she gets her way, the Raiders might be the only NFL team hosting games this coming season. The Raiders would play 31 home games, one against each team. A doubleheader every Sunday. If Mayor Goodwin gets her way — spoiler alert: she won’t — and the Raiders’ new Petri Dish Stadium becomes a coronavirus hot spot, would fans who die get a ticket refund?
Switching gears ... Just to let you know, “The Last Dance,” the ESPN documentary on the Chicago Bulls’ 199798 season, is a marathon, not a sprint. Part 2 took the full hour to make the point that Scottie Pippen was underpaid and ticked off. (Oops, I should have said “Spoiler alert!”) Memo to self: If you make a documentary, hire a film editor. I call dibs on the rights to a documentary which I will make by having Draymond Green wear a GoPro on his head 24/7 for an entire season. To save time and increase my efficiency, once a week I telecommute to my home office from my bed. You know who’s in great shape, seriously? That Dr. Anthony Fauci guy. He’s like a 19yearold with gray hair. Update us on the coronavirus, Doc, but throw in your fitness tips, please. If Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000hour rule is legit — the theory that one can achieve mastery of any skill with 10,000 hours of purposeful practice — say hello to the Jimi Hendrix of handwashing.