San Francisco Chronicle - (Sunday)
Baseball’s past is muddy, its future tacky
A hundred years or so ago, in a highlevel MLB meeting, a proposal was made that went something like this:
“Gentlemen, the baseballs are too slick. Pitchers are complaining they can’t get a grip, and hitters are getting beaned by the pill at an unacceptable rate. I propose we take some of the slickness off the balls. I have a plan.
“We send a guy to a secret spot on the banks of the Delaware River, to collect mud. For some reason, we will call this stuff ‘Mississippi Mud.’ If questioned by authorities, our collector will say he’s gathering newts for his daughter’s middleschool science project.
“We then ship this mud to all of our teams. Before every game, we have the umpires rub the mud on all the hundreds of game balls, by hand. That should take ’em only a couple hours, but the umps are divas, so they’ll soon tire of this task and outsource it to lowlevel clubhouse flunkies.
“You have a question, Bob? Why don’t we simply have the ball factory make the balls more tacky? Because I promised my brotherinlaw the job of mud collector. And his daughter has a science project. Now, all in favor?”
Deep thoughts, cheap shots & bon mots ... Baseball entered the PostGoo Era on Monday with an MLBwide crackdown on gluey and gunkedup baseballs. For the previous 150 years, pitchers loaded up baseballs with impunity, and whatever else they could find. Recently, they’ve been loading up like some folks overload buffet trays. The reason MLB had to come clean: Technology. With the advent and widespread availability of spin rates, the cheating was simply too obvious to ignore. Spin rates are toothpaste that nobody can shove back into the tube. Speaking of that, why don’t pitchers use toothpaste? Umps aren’t going to check the pitchers’ teeth. If they ever do, though, look for Sergio Romo to spike his dentures. Gooing up is the easiest cheat to detect in sports. Batcorking and steroidusing were hard to detect, and the results often were less dramatic than achieved by pitchers’ spindoctoring. The solution to the ball pollution is easy. All MLB needs to do is start using Japanese baseballs, which are treated at the Mizuno factory to be tackier or gripier than MLB balls. Cooperstown should open a wing dedicated to the history of balldoctoring. Cosponsors of the exhibit could be KY Jelly and Spider Tack. Shake hands with the animatronic Gaylord Perry, then grab a paper towel. Two substances I’m not sure pitchers have tried: Tar from the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles (Mastodon Mud), and lemon meringue. Or a combo. Why are pitchers complaining? Because they are the biggest divas in sports, with the possible exception of bullfighters. Pitchers have been allowed to drag down the pace of play by treating every pitch like it’s a 20foot putt for the Masters’ green jacket. Let the pitchers eat some humble pie. But not lemon meringue. Switching gears, all the negatives of interleague play are overshadowed this weekend by the A’sGiants World Series preview series. Nice touch by the Giants, wearing the San Francisco Sea Lions unis on Juneteenth. It was a tribute to the West Coast Negro Baseball Association, which lasted two months in 1946, the only Black baseball league ever West of the Rockies. Oakland also had a team in the WCNBA, the Larks, who played in Emeryville and finished with the league’s best record. The A’s have not yet sported Larks unis, possibly because the A’s marketing department is busy designing Las Vegas merch. Speaking of Bay Area history, remember Hurryin’ Hugh McElhenny? Historian Martin S. Jacobs stirs up memories of the great 49ers’ halfback in a new book, “The King: Hugh McElhenny — A San Francisco 49ers Legend.” In his 1952 rookie debut at Kezar, McElhenny watched QB Frankie Albert draw up a pass play in the dirt and turned it into a 47yard touchdown. That season the rookie ran for 7.0 yards per carry and was the NFL’s best player. Said teammate Joe Arenas, “His controlled gymnastics, his escapes, his showmanship, throwing back his head and lifting his knees as he trotted into the end zone were a spectacle to behold.” Cheers for Shohei Ohtani for throwing his bat into the ring for the Home Run Derby. Now the American League needs to get creative. In the AllStar Game, Ohtani must be the AL’s starting pitcher and bat leadoff. Barry Bonds and his sister Cheryl Dugan entered their li’l pooch Rocky in the recent Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Sadly, the miniature schnauzer was DQ’d when he weighed in 173 pounds over the limit. Kids, want to know how to act like a champion? Cue up the recent TV interview of swimmer Nathan Adrian, after he missed a U.S. Olympic team berth by half an eyelash. The decorated Olympian got zero breaks from the swim gods after recently battling testicular cancer. But he delivered a beautiful tribute to U.S. swimmers and to his sport. If I was Adrian, I woulda kicked all the starting blocks into the pool. But then, I’m in a bad mood. My spin rate is at an alltime low.