Hard like cue ball? Baseballs require a fix

Baseball has a baseball problem. The balls used in Major League Baseball this season are inconsistent, according to reports. The Mets’ Chris Bassitt says the balls are terrible. The Braves’ Collin McHugh says some are “dusty slick” (which happens to be my DJ name). Giants manager Gabe Kapler says some balls are smooth and hard “like a cue ball.”

Different sizes, different feels, different flight characteristics. The inconsistent feel of the balls is a common complaint. All game balls are handrubbed with special mud before the game, which is Step 1 in the recipe for inconsistent balls.

The umps don’t rub the balls; they outsource that job to clubhouse workers. What could go wrong? And why aren’t the balls rubbed at the factory, which is owned by MLB?

Maybe baseballs are like cars. People used to say, “Don’t buy a car that rolls off the assembly line on a Monday, because factory workers are hung over on Monday.”

Maybe baseballs have the same problem. Reporter: “Lefty, you had no control today, what was the problem?” Lefty: “Monday balls.”

Even with humidors in use at all ballparks, the balls are subject to severe mood swings. Summing it up: The balls are slick, sticky, soggy and silly, which are also the four Dwarfs who didn’t make Snow White’s traveling squad.

Balls used in Japan have a slightly tacky surface, so no need for mudding, nor for pitchers to use resin to kill the slick. Since we invented baseball in America and gifted the sport to Japan, maybe they can return the favor and teach us how to make baseballs.

Now back to Dusty Slick, spinning the tunes that move your feet and rock your world. Deep thoughts, cheap shots & bon mots ...

One thing about Buster Posey: The dude was always cool. Such an underrated trait in sports, and life. You can’t fluster Buster. It’s hard to know what to make of Mark Davis telling Monte Poole of NBC Sports Bay Area that he (Davis) would welcome Colin Kaepernick to the Raiders, if the GM and coach wanted Kaepernick. Could be totally legit. Davis does show signs that he’s got some of his old man’s enlightened views on inclusion. But surely Davis has discussed this with his coach, Josh McDaniels, and therefore knows that McDaniels isn’t interested in Kaepernick, for whatever reasons. Speaking of Posey’s cool, another guy who is ice cool and unflappable is Shohei Ohtani. He’s also mystical. At Fenway Park on Thursday, Ohtani hit a scalder off the Green Monster, rattling the metal scoreboard so hard that Ohtani’s No. 17 was dislodged. Now this guy is doing magic tricks? Good week for me: I had Madison Bumgarner in the office pool for the first pitcher to be ejected for protesting an ingame stickum inspection. Hey, MadBum gets cranky. Looked to me like ump Dan Bellino was simply trying to tell Bumgarner’s fortune by reading his palm. “You will not get a borderline call the rest of this game.” Reader Carl Allamanno wonders: Wouldn’t checking pitchers be more effective if the umps also checked the third-out ball? Instead, the third-out balls get thrown into the stands. Nice idea, Carl, but you don’t want to deprive the fans of their souvenirs. Maybe the ump could check the pitcher’s hands, then go up into the stands and check the fan’s hands. Sign of hard times, at Wednesday’s Oakland Athletics game at the Coliseum: One food truck on the plaza. Used to be there were eight or 10 to choose from. Pretty soon it will be just a guy selling day-old churros and two kids with a lemonade stand. You’re an old-timer if you remember paperboys standing on the street corner yelling, “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” Today’s version of that: Draymond Green sending out an “emergency podcast.” Checking out the Heisman watch list, here are my favorites, based on nothing but their names: Jaxson Dart, D.J. Uiagalelei, Spencer Rattler, Hendon Hooker, Stetson Bennett, Bo Nix, Cartavious “Tank” Bigsby ... and Will Rogers, who never met a wide receiver he didn’t like (Google that one, kids). Phil Mickelson, Sergio Garcia, Lee Westwood and Robert Garrigus — there’s a foursome to whom I wish, “May an angry rattlesnake coil around your ball in a Saudi sand trap.” Those four are reportedly ready to throw in with the new LIV Golf Invitational Series, lavishly funded by the Saudi Arabian government, aka (in Mickelson’s words) “scary motherf—ers.” Mickelson seems to be betting a lot — what’s left of his reputation, and his future as a PGA Tour player — on that Saudi tour. But considering Mickelson’s success as a gambler, what could go wrong? Remember when sports mascots were just annoying and corny? Now they’re scary. But give it up for the San Francisco 49ers’ Sourdough Sam, who rappelled down the Hilton at Union Square on Thursday to raise money for scholarships for needy students. It would have been so weirdly San Francisco if Sourdough, on his way down, had bumped into that abortion-protesting skyscraper-climber on his way up.