New boyfriend’s first wife is on a pedestal

Dear Abby: I am a 42- ear-old single mom who recentl began a relationship with a wonder ul man. I have two kids rom m marriage to an ex who wasn’t ver kind. We did our best or 16 ears (we were oung when we met) and inall had to go our separate wa s. The man I’m dating is sensitive and kind. He’s great to m kids. He’s the irst person I’ve dated that I have allowed to meet them.

His irst wi e passed awa three months a ter their wedding 14 ears ago. She had been expecting their irst child, and it was a traged or all involved. When he speaks about her, I ust listen. He did move on a ter she passed. He remarried and had another child, but it didn’t work out. He claims he never loved his second wi e. He got her pregnant earl on, and married her because it was “the right thing to do.”

He still carries a torch or his irst wi e, whom he calls the love o his li e. He keeps a picture o her hanging rom his rearview mirror and plans to be buried next to her when he passes.

While I understand that love doesn’t die when people pass, I can’t help eeling crushed when he sa s, “I she were still alive, we wouldn’t even be talking right now.” He puts her memor on a pedestal. How do I handle this? I’m not sure I can sta in a relationship like this.

— Hates His Histor in New jerse Dear Hates: His irst wi e ma indeed be “the love o his li e,” but she is GONE! I ou want a uture with someone who ma never be done grieving, ou will have to do it ull aware that ou can’t compete with an “angel.” (No one can.) When this paragon o insensitivit tells ou that i she were alive he wouldn’t even be talking to ou, ou would be within our rights to respond b sa ing, “But SHE isn’t, and here WE are!” your question about whether to continue the relationship is a good one. Unless ou have a backbone o steel and can develop a thicker skin, don’t do it.

P.S. In some states, items hanging rom one’s rearview mirror are illegal because the obstruct the driver’s vision. I believe our state is one o them.

Dear Abby: A ter 15 ears o marriage — some happ and some horrible — I am divorcing m husband. We have two beauti ul, amazing children together.

I would love to have the same last name the do, but I cannot imagine keeping m husband’s last name. His amil was aw ul to me during our entire marriage. What should I do? Should I keep his last name so I have the same one as m children, or should I change it back to m maiden name?

— Moving On in Texas

Dear Moving On: This isn’t the ‘50s. There is no shame in having a di erent name than our children.

Man women with children change their names a ter a divorce. Because our married name carries pain ul connotations, eel ree to resume using our maiden name, or adopt another one o our own choosing. (Some women choose the name o a avorite cit to adopt.)