Baseball players may soon resort to cheat sheet

With the new MLB rules set to go into effect next season, it’s time for baseball players to get busy and see how they can get around ’em. As the old baseball saying goes, “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.”

Why would players want to cheat, or at least find ways to mess with the new rules? A couple reasons.

One, players are angry about the new rules, because they will be instituted without player approval. The four players on the rules committee voted against the new rules because the players are in separate rule negotiations and wanted more input on the new stuff. Now they’ve lost that leverage. So we might see instances of players doing things just to give a virtual middle digit to the owners. It’s like road rage: Futile, but it feels good.

Two, baseball is all about gaining an edge, and if players can find a way around a rule, they will use it. That includes outright cheating, or simply finding creative approaches to the system.

Here are some things we might see:

The new pitch clock starts when the pitcher gets the ball from the catcher (or umpire). The catcher can go into slo-mo mode, taking his time getting the ball back to the mound, even lobbing the ball back instead of rifling it. Heck, roll it back.

We might see creative windups, longer and slower, either because the pitcher wants to buy a few extra seconds, or wants to show contempt for the clock that has stripped him of his power to waste everybody’s time.

Old windups might make a comeback. You might see the old two-arm pump, like Warren Spahn, where it looks like the pitcher is about to do the standing broad jump. You might see the old Satchel Paige windmill windup. Or the hesitation windup, ala Johnny Cueto and Luis Tiant.

Memo to baseball: You need an audio alert on the ballpark PA system to let players and fans know of clock violations. Like: A gong if the catcher isn’t set on time, a whistle if the hitter isn’t ready, and a gameshow “wrong answer” buzzer if the pitcher’s pitch is delivered beyond his allotted time.

Why? If a pitch is thrown after the time limit, the hitter has the option of having the pitch count as a “ball,” or taking the outcome. The buzzer would alert the hitter that he has a free swing, whack away.

No shifts? No problem. The third baseman and shortstop hunker down in sprinter stances just to the left of second base. As the pitch is released, they dart to the first base side of the infield. The second baseman, also in sprinter start, dashes into short right.

You can’t do this every pitch, too exhausting, but in certain crucial situations, why not?

Bigger bases (18 inches square, instead of 15). The runner is getting a shorter route to the next base, and a bigger touch target. Ask any catcher if that will make a difference.

This is a reach (so to speak), but the baserunner could alter his gloves to be an inch or so longer in each finger, an artificial extension. Crazy? So was bat corking.

That last cheat was inspired by the late Henny Youngman, who went to his first ballet and asked, “Why don’t they just get taller girls?”

While we’re on the subject, a few random rules suggestions:

The manager cannot wear a uniform unless he or she is also a player. Wear a business suit, a suit of armor, a zoot suit, a suit of lights — anything but a baseball suit. The score, with inning-byinning display, must be visible at all times to everyone in the ballpark. No more sending every scoreboard and message board into a frenzy of lightshow advertising and promotion, losing the score of the damn

game. A large glass vase will be placed on a podium behind the home-plate screen. If the PA system music and other PA ear garbage shatters the vase, the PA system is penalized with a one-inning timeout. No more check swings. A check swing, no matter how far the bat goes around, is no swing. These are garbage strikeouts, pure umpire guesswork and satisfying to nobody. Result: Fewer strikeouts, more action. On the scoreboard speedgun reading of pitches, drop the decimal point. TMI. It’s mph, not pi. Foul poles, when struck by a ball, will light up like Christmas trees. Now’s the time for your annoying light display. No more tweaking of the baseballs every few months. Settle on one ball, verified by an independent lab. If MLB wants to make a change, announce it. Maximum of two trades/ moves per team at or before the trading deadline. Enough of these wholesale, midstream roster remakes by rich teams. If there are five or more people in line at a beer stand, everyone in line gets free beer. Hire more damn vendors. If we want to stand in line, we’ll go to Disneyland or the DMV.