Listen, but don’t corroborate, when friend criticizes ex-wife

Dear Miss Manners: My best friend has appalling taste in women. He and wife No. 3 divorced about three years ago after she treated him wretchedly. Before the divorce, I held my tongue about this treatment, and about her equally wretched treatment of her son by an earlier relationship, because my friend was so smitten with her.

Once their marriage ended, I felt free to agree with his new characterizations of her, occasionally adding some of the observations I had kept to myself.

It appears they are now entering some sort of detente. I hope to God it is not an actual resumption of romance.

Whatever, my feelings about this woman are now no secret to my friend, and it is more difficult than ever to mask my disapproval of any contact with her at all. Do you have any advice for me? Gentle Reader: Sure, but it’s retroactive advice. It is never a good idea to chime in when friends complain about marriages gone wrong. Listen sympathetically, yes. Say vague, comforting words, such as “I feel for you” and “I’m so sorry to see you suffering like this,” yes. But supporting evidence, no.

It is not just the chance of reconciliation that makes this dangerous. It is also the implication that everyone else pitied the innocent party — and slightly scorned him for remaining innocent — at the time when he had considered himself happy.

Backpedaling will not be easy because if the two are friends again, he will have told her what you said. Therefore, Miss Manners advises wishing them both — both — happiness, and saying that two such nice people should not have lasting differences.

“What?” you scream — as do they. After what you said? Well, you were just reflecting what your friend said at the time, although you now realize it was colored by his passing emotions. Dear Miss Manners: I have a wonderful husband who will often do things like open doors for me or carry all of our groceries to the car.

Every so often, a stranger will tell me: “You have him well trained.” We find this offensive. How can I let the person know my husband is being thoughtful, rather than trained like a dog? Gentle Reader: The reply Miss Manners suggests is, “No, he was like that when I got him. He was born a gentleman.”