Heed Older’s Laws

Though I’m mad for skiing, I’m not entirely mad. Over the years, I’ve learned a dozen ways to enhance snowy fun and avoid snowy disaster. Think of them as Older’s Laws. 1. The surest way to avoid getting caught in an avalanche: Don’t ski where avalanches are expected. Out of bounds. Dicey snowpack. Avalanche zones. It isn’t perfect protection — they sometimes hit where least expected — though you can still get lung cancer, your odds greatly improve if you don’t smoke. 2. The surest way to avoid enjoying skiing (and when I say “skiing,” that includes snowboarding and every other self-propelled way down a snowcovered hill), is to let friends talk you into going higher, steeper, faster than you feel you should. Set your own pace, not somebody else’s. 3. That goes double on your first day out. 4. If your new boots hurt just a little in the shop, they’ll be excruciating on the hill. 5. If you exaggerate your skiing ability to the sales clerk, you’ll get the wrong boards. Lies include: “I love speed.” “I ski the woods.” “I’m probably an expert.” Note: If you’re a male, take this especially to heart. 6. If you understate your skiing ability to the sales clerk, you’ll get the wrong boards. Lies include: “I’m not very good.” “I’m always cautious.” Note: If you’re a female, take this especially to heart.

7. Don’t ride a new lift on its maiden voyage. Underdressed movie stars, formally dressed politicians and others have spent hours hanging above the mountain, ruing their decision to ride that first ride. Don’t join them. 8. Scarves and skiing are a dangerous duo. It’s not going down; it’s the machinery involved in going up. Remember Isadora Duncan’s tragic end. If she’d worn a facemask instead of that scarf, she might have lived to dance and ski. 9. So skip the scarf, but not the helmet. Brain buckets protect … anyone? Yes, brains. Wear one. 10. But, if said helmet has protected said brain once, give it a decent burial. Like fire extinguishers, they’re designed for only one emergency. 11. Have your bindings professionally checked at the start of every season. Only skied once last year? Still do it. Maybe you gained 10 pounds … stored your skis in a damp garage … forgot to have them checked last year. 12. In your eagerness to improve, to keep up, to compete, it’s easy to forget why you started skiing in the first place: to have fun outside in winter. Hold on to that memory. This isn’t golf — it’s slippery pleasure that lets you feel you’re flying, defying gravity, moving with astonishing grace. And, it’s an immutable Older’s Law — the more fun you have, the faster your skiing will improve.