Mila Kunis stars in the sci-fi fantasy “Jupiter Ascending.”
“Jupiter Ascending” is a mystery.
It’s a known unknown because its trailers have run the gamut from sprawling sci-fi epic to tween romance to mystical journey to Channing Tatum action movie. If the Wachowskis were asked which of these their new franchise-bait film is, they might answer, “Yes.” It may be an unknown known if it follows the patterns of other Wachowski works — the trippy future-philosophy of the “Matrices,” the awesomely wacko production design of “Speed Racer,” and the questionable makeup of “Cloud Atlas.” But it may also be a known known if the reasons for its two release-date changes and its eventual switch from summer to dump season turn out to be sadly predictable.
The studio declined to screen “Jupiter Ascending” in time for publication, but here are some omens, for better or worse, of what the film may be about.
Here’s what we think we know: The always-appealing Mila Kunis is Jupiter, an inertia-filled ordinary girl. Hightech humanoids want to kill her. Tatum is a soldier with a soupcon of dog-ish DNA (he’s tough but cute) sent by the always-about-to-die Sean Bean to rescue her from fancy, bad Stephen Hawking, er, Eddie Redmayne. The 1-percenter-alien ancestors who designed humans figure it’s time to harvest us for our special sauce. Jupiter needs to accept who she is and “ascend” to the throne to save Earth, or something.
Or none of that may be true. Perhaps the only way to understand the object from this distance is to compare it to other bodies, based on limited evidence, and make these bold predictions on what the film is really about. Mila Kunis is a secret princess about to discover a world of wonder: There were seven books and eight movies about an ordinary kid who found out he played a big part in a magical universe. Despite J.K. Rowling’s professed antiauthoritarian bent, most of the “Harry Potter” series is about a kid accepting his birthright to save us all.
And then there’s “Twilight,” the four books and five movies about an ordinary girl led by an extraordinary stud into a magical world in which she plays a key role — why else are all these powerful types trying to kill her? Heck, even Dakota Fanning wanted a piece. That net also snags “Divergent,” “Beautiful Creatures,” “Mortal Instruments” and all that jazz. Now imagine all that tween angst mixed with some speech- ifyin’ philosophizin’ and cool production design, and we may be on the right track. Channing Tatum is a dog: Well, his character, Caine Wise (should have been “Caine 9,” right?) says he’s “closer to a dog” than a human in one of the many trailer variants orbiting this gas giant. By the way, he and Jupiter do go kissykissy, so a few politicians’ nightmares just came true. This hybrid friendship may remind you of …
“The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” in which James McAvoy plays Mr. Tumnus, a faun (half human, half goat) who is the earthly kids’ gateway character of sorts to a whole new world. A tenuous
connection, sure, but … known unknowns, right? High-tech beings want
to harvest us: One of the apparent plot elements in “Jupiter” involves the alien elite using Earth as a farm to grow the human ingredient for their tasty youth serum.
Sound familiar? There’s this trilogy about the unimagined reality beneath the ordinary surface, in which superintelligent machines have taken over and are using unwitting humans as extremely energyinefficient batteries. The Wachowskis certainly should be familiar with it. The first “Matrix” movie (1999) was a rare actual game-changer, a film that really did have a serious impact on its genre and continues to, more than 15 years later. We can only hope “Jupiter” has more in common with that first installment than its increasingly wan follow-ups. Also … “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” is on the human-harvesting tip as well. Jack Finney’s 1955 novel, “Body Snatchers,” has been adapted into four films (and countless ripoffs), the 1978 Philip Kaufman version being the best by far. Life here … began out
there: Then there’s the “aren’t we all immigrants” angle (does that make “Interstellar” an endorsement of “selfdeportation”?), as in the “Battlestar Galactica” series, both of them. But adding the “we were created by aliens … who don’t like us” twist swings this one closer to “Prometheus” territory.
Also, the clips of haughty aliens condescendingly assuring us dumb humans who’s our daddy calls to mind the single greatest moment of “Plan 9 From Outer Space”: “You see? You see? Your stupid minds. Stupid! Stupid!” Sean Bean looks
marked for death: The oft-killed actor’s character looks very much like the noble older guy who has had enough of war and now dispenses wisdom. He might as well be wearing a red Starfleet uniform. If the thought of Mr. Bean on the offramp seems familiar, it might be because you’ve seen:
“Game of Thrones” — oops, spoiler alert. But come on, if you didn’t know that by now, then what good are you?
“The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” — it happens in the extended version as well; it just takes longer to get there.
“Patriot Games,” “The Field,” “Goldeneye” — when it comes to Bean, there are so many ways to die.
The guy takes so many dirt naps, there’s actually a YouTube video compiling them. The wonderful folks at Nerdist even figured out that, as of last month, Bean had died 0.32 times per screen appearance, placing him at the very top of their list.
So basically, a glance through the muddled Hubble of movies past tells us “Jupiter’s” chemical composition is part “Matrix,” part “Twilight,” part “Narnia,” and part “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”
And Sean Bean might die.
Or none of that is true.