The buck stops here, wigged out in style

Not to beat a dead horse,* but here we go again, to the top of the Candidate’s head. Dan Blackwelder’s line about whether that hair is real — “Who in their right mind would buy anything that looks like that?” — sounded familiar, and besides, I believe that whatever’s on top of his head is genuine (well, maybe not its color). But the line did get me thinking: Would he look different if he’d gone to Dolly Parton’s wig-maker? Or maybe gotten himself lidded with one of those fancy French wigs, with a sailing ship embedded in the ripples of curly-haired waves? Perhaps he could have consulted Phil Spector?

And as long as we’re speculating about politicians wearing wigs, this book pitch was received last week from Bostick Communications:

“Minneapolis attorney Stephen Yoch’s upcoming book, ‘Becoming George Washington,’ uses a historical fiction style, anchored by heavily-documented and annotated historical facts, to tell little-known tales. ... After reading about Washington’s years as an avid gambler, a participant in a passionate affair with a married woman, and a teller of countless career-enhancing lies, American readers may never look at the face on the dollar bill in quite the same way again.” In solidarity with Martha Washington, I will avoid so much as glancing at old George forever by folding my bucks pyramid side out.

*To the obviously distressed but lovely and polite reader who called last week about the goldfish drought tip, and then again about the use of the phrase “killing two birds with one stone,” which she said left her with an awful image of blood and feathers, I apologize for the above “beating a dead horse.”

Thinking about it, that reader — and the horse — is not the only one suffering. Those poor animals get a rotten deal — “ways to skin a cat,” “raining cats and dogs,” “take the bull by the horns,” “let the cat out of the bag,” “dropping like flies” and “ants in one’s pants” — in idiomatic references. I am sorry, and although you can’t see me, I have a hangdog expression on my face.

Oh, San Francisco thinks it’s so special with its $4 pieces of toast. Dr.

J of San Francisco directs hungry cross-country glances to Kith Treats, a pop-up enterprise just opened inside a men’s apparel store in Brooklyn. This is a dry-cereal bar offering individual $6 servings of 24 kinds of cereal (including brand names including Rice Krispies, Cocoa Puffs, more), available with skim, whole, chocolate, almond and hemp milk, and the kind of toppings one might expect on ice cream. Cereal combinations endorsed by celebrities (Andre Agassi is the first) will be packaged in special shoe-like boxes — four proofs of purchase entitle the cereal eater to a free tennis ball in a plastic case — and take that, you farm-to-table advocates.

Following up last week’s list of classics’ prequels that somehow never got published (in the way of “Go Set a Watchman” and “To Kill a Mockingbird”), Alan Heineman suggests “The Bright Red Postcard,” “50 Years of Not Much Company” and “Bunny, Flee.” The prequels tend to emphasize harsh realism. From Frank Boerger : “War and More War.” And from Paula Berka: “The Selfie of Dorian Gray” and “One Fell Out of the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

Headed to the East Bay, there was a 10-minute delay on BART the other night, and by the time the train pulled into Embarcadero Station, people were packed together. Gerry Keenan says when one commuter said, “Usually, when I’m this close to somebody it’s after dinner,” there were audible chortles all around.

Barry Bonds was among 500 bike riders who took a ride over the weekend in the Tour de (Michael J.) Fox Wine Country Edition, to raise money for Parkinson’s disease. Joe Martin reports that Bonds rode 30 miles with the group, allowed other riders to take selfies with him, signed every autograph requested and refused to accept an appearance fee.

In keeping with the scientific tone of today’s column, today’s drought tip comes from a physician’s column in a recent New York Times: “Water is present in fruits and vegetables. ... You don’t have to consume all the water you need through drinks.” Go suck on a turnip.