William Denali — it just doesn’t make sense

I think I speak for all citizens of Ohio when I say that we are outraged. Yes, from Cleveland to Cincinnati, from Toledo to (southeast Ohio — look up), the entire state stands ready to defend its honor. Which has been besmirched. By Obama. Of course.

Let me explain about William McKinley Jr., the son of William McKinley Sr., who was an iron maker, a Methodist minister and the inventor of the lightbulb — a credit that has been denied to him by Thomas Edison, the same man who drove Nikola Tesla to an early grave.

OK, not an early grave — Tesla lived to be 86. But certainly a sad grave. Plus, Tesla didn’t kill any elephants.

William McKinley Jr. was born in Niles, Ohio, a long time ago. He was a private in the Union Army, on the side that won the war. One of his commanders was Rutherford B. Hayes, who later became his mentor. Hayes was from Vermont, like Bernie Sanders. See a pattern developing?

McKinley then went to college in Pennsylvania. Better schools, apparently.

Then he served as president of the United States for 4.4 years. He was seen as a tool for Mark Hanna, a corrupt political boss in the real heyday of corrupt political bosses. McKinley was compliant. Also, he was handsome, in that “tremble before me, woman” sort of way.

McKinley was shot in Buffalo (of course) by Leon Czolgosz (rhymes with “room”), who was a Polish anarchist. He lingered for a while and then died. That led to inauguration of his vice president, Teddy Roosevelt, who became a Great Man. (Roosevelt: from New York. Of course.)

Roosevelt was sound on bison, not so sound on naked imperialism.

McKinley also loved imperialism. He fought a lovely war with Spain and stripped it of many territories, including the Philippines (which were just way too far away), Cuba (oops, Castro) and Guam (we still have that one; it’s where America’s day begins. Pay attention).

We in Ohio love McKinley so much that virtually no towns (0) are named after him. We’d name our tallest mountain after him, but we can’t decide which one that is. Maybe Campbell Hill, which rises a stately 1,549 feet from the flatlands far below.

But that’s not the worst part. Apparently, Obama has decided that William McKinley Jr.’s name should be changed. Yes, he is now to be known as William Denali. Probably not Jr., because there is no Sr. Just lonely William Denali, the president just after Grover Cleveland.

Many jump-rope rhymes will have to be rewritten. Like. “Ma, Ma, who’s your Pa? He’s the fireman with the suspenders on. Rotten tomatoes, putrid fruit, McKinley, McKinley, hoot, hoot, hoot.”

Why would Obama want to do such a thing? He’s already ruined health care and given New Yorkers free run at the public coffers. We in Ohio already know the answer: Alaskan pressure groups! Yes, powerful Alaskans in the highest reaches of government. Did you know that Millie the Moose was invited to the Oval Office? Then she was pardoned on that ugly vehicular homicide charge.

Alaskans have a mountain called Denali, an ugly, tall, snowy thing so unlike Campbell Hill. They are so proud of their mountain (it’s the “tallest,” whatever that means) that they wanted a president to have the name of the mountain. “Denali” means “Death to capitalist swine” in Polish.

The citizens of Ohio did not invent these patterns. We just uncovered them after a decade of research. We report, you decide.

So first the Alaskans went after Millard Fillmore. Millard Denali had a nice sound. And no one cared about Fillmore, who was a crappy president, as we say in Ohio. But then it turned out that Fillmore was from New York. You can look it up! We report, you decide.

They tried to attack Roosevelt too (Teddy Denali would be a good name for a lounge singer, Ohio residents believe), but yes, New York. Gotta bow down to the Alaska-New York cartel. They have oil; they have hedge funds. What does Ohio have? The Melrose apple.

We will not take this lying down. Already a bill is before Congress to rename Denali after William McKinley. It’s true that McKinley (the guy) never saw McKinley (the mountain), but McKinley (guy) never saw much of anything beyond the All-American Soapbox Derby in Akron.

Besides, Alaskans need a dead white guy to worship just like everyone else.

Possible compromise: We let the mountain keep the name Denali, but we say it was named after the president. People from Fairbanks would go south (yes!) to gather at the foot of Mount Denali and read from McKinley’s (Denali’s) first inaugural speech, legal in 17 states for use as a sleep aid.

Or we could put Denali the guy on the $10 and Harriet Tubman on the $20.