Turkey Day’s new etiquette
The stakes are high, the wine is flowing — and when did Grandma go vegan? Our guide for hosts
The holidays have always been a tricky time when it comes to family meals, but in this age of fancy diets, evolving customs and multi-everything families, a host faces many challenges. To help clear up the confusion, the Chronicle Food staff, along with our Style staff, have created a guide for modern holiday meal etiquette.
If you have more questions, submit them to food@sfchronicle.com, and we’ll answer in a future column. After all, the holidays are just beginning.
Q: How many vegan dishes must I prepare for that one vegan relative?
A: Tony Bravo: People with restricted eating are used to being presented with limited options so offering a couple of well-thought-out choices will be appreciated on a holiday that centers around food. But don’t forget that just because something is vegan (or vegetarian or paleo or gluten-free), it doesn’t mean it’s off-limits to other guests. Many people enjoy things like stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, etc. — and these are among the many dishes that, with a little consideration, can serve all kinds of eaters.
A: Tara Duggan: Vegan adjustments are pretty easy for many dishes; use olive oil instead of butter in the Brussels sprouts, and keep the blue cheese on the side of the frisee salad, for example. I also think if one person is the only vegan, it’s not unfair to ask them to bring a vegan dish — dessert, gravy, stuffing? — to share.
Q: One of my guests decided at the last minute to run a Thanksgiving Day 5K, and has now announced that she will be arriving two hours later than I had planned to serve the meal. Should I push the meal back to accommodate her schedule?
A: Carolyne Zinko: No. To invert Spock’s famous saying, don’t sacrifice the needs of the many for the needs of the few. People who accept an invitation and then change their minds when something better comes along are exhibiting poor manners.
Feel free to take umbrage, but your response should be measured: “Oh, I’m so sorry you won’t be able to join us at 1 p.m. after all. We’ll set aside a plate for you, in hopes you’ll be here in time for coffee and dessert.” With any luck, she’ll pick up the pace while she’s running to avoid being so late. Q: I don’t like turkey. Will guests be bummed if I don’t serve one? A: Esther Mobley: Yes, they will be bummed, but that doesn’t mean you have to serve one. Thanksgiving is a time when people cling relentlessly to family traditions, but the truth is that no one likes turkey that much. It all comes down to how you present it. “Ugh, I just don’t feel like making turkey” will not be as successful as, “Hey guys, let’s mix it up and do something crazy and different this year — how about whole-roasted cauliflower and brisket lettuce wraps?” A: Amanda Gold: As the host of a holiday like Thanksgiving, it’s not just about you — but that doesn’t mean you can’t change things up. Just might be a good idea to poll your guests beforehand to see how they feel about it. Q: I spent all day making a beautiful and elaborate meal. One of my guests arrived with something he had cooked, and it did not look nearly as nice as anything I had made. Do I have to serve it? A: Zinko: You do. The alternative is to say, “Oh, I couldn’t possibly! It just doesn’t measure up to the artistic level of my efforts,” thus hurting your guest’s feelings — and exposing your lack of courtesy to everyone in attendance.
A: Duggan: Serve it with everything else, graciously, and praise the guest cook profusely and loudly at the table so everyone knows you weren’t responsible for his homely sweet potato casserole. Plus, it’s good to let go of a little bit of that vise-like clench on the menu.
Q: When is it appropriate to serve Thanksgiving as a buffet?
A: Bravo: When you’re spending your holiday in a casino, or when table space is at a premium and you’re expecting a large party. Just no sneeze guards, please.
A: Duggan: Anything is appropriate if you put care into it. A lot of Thanksgiving dishes are buffet-friendly if you do your best to keep things warm; for example, preheat dinner plates and serving platters ahead. Stuffing is a no-brainer; roasted vegetables taste fine slightly at room temp whereas steamed or boiled ones lose their charm quickly. Turkey is always tough, but the time it takes to pass dishes around the table can cool things off almost as much as a buffet. As soon as that turkey is carved, just make sure your guests come to the table chop-chop.
Q: How formal must I be? In my family I was trained to use a nice decanter and get out the good china. Is it tacky to not do these things? A: Bravo: Formality is in the eye of the beholder. For some families, the bone china and Belgian lace tablecloths are necessary; others like to keep their holidays more casual with paper napkins and drinking straight from the bottle. Be as formal as feels special for you. Part of the reason it’s fun to bring out the best silver and crystal stemware is that it isn’t used every day, so its presence on the table makes it an occasion! But don’t feel pressured to use every single inherited serving piece. The day isn’t about the gravy boat; it’s about being together.
Q: How much of the meal can I get away with buying pre-made?
A: Duggan: It’s really up to you. If you’re reading these pages, you probably like to cook at least a little, but making the entire Thanksgiving spread by hand is a lot of work. Think about which dishes sound fun to prepare, and which you’d prefer to outsource. For many people, that’s
the turkey, which unfortunately doesn’t do so well when cooked ahead in a commissary and kept warm. In that case, consider an alternative main course, or focus your efforts on the turkey and gravy and maybe buy a few side dishes.
A: Sarah Fritsche: I’m all about taking help in the kitchen where I can get it. While I usually prefer to make the bulk of the savory dishes myself, there are so many top-notch local bakeries that offer order-ahead holiday pies — including Three Babes Bakeshop, Black Jet Baking Co. and Marla Bakery — that I’m happy to leave the desserts to the experts.
Q: What do I do with last-minute dietary requests, or unexpected guests? A: Zinko: Guests with special needs are better accommodated if they make them known in advance. A Thanksgiving host is not a restaurateur
or caterer with resources to conjure up dishes without meat, eggs, nuts, dairy or life-threatening allergens on short notice. A gracious guest will either make do by eating what he or she can from the offerings served, without complaint, or arrange to bring a side dish of their own. It is possible to survive for one day without a four-course meal.
Q: If someone brings a bottle of wine, am I supposed to open it right now?
A: Mobley: When a guest brings a bottle of wine to dinner, it is understood as a gift, not a contribution to the meal. That said, pay attention to social cues. If a guest announces that she has brought a special bottle that she thinks will pair perfectly with your meal, you probably should open it now, lest you offend.
A: Zinko: Guests are free to bring wine, unbidden, to an occasion, but must not assume it will be served.
Q: At what age am I allowed to boot someone from the kid’s table and put them at the adult’s table? A: Bravo: In my family, that transfer occurs at the age at which a young person can offer some witty banter that adds to the adults’ conversation. For me, that was around age 6, but in some cases there are guests in their 30s and beyond who will remain seated with the kinder indefinitely.
Q: How can I coerce my guests, who are watching football, into helping me clean up?
A: Zinko: Oh dear. You’ve volunteered to host the event, and now you don’t want to assume the duties that go along with it? There’s no way to force your guests to help clean up, any more than there’s a way to force them into helping you buy the food and prepare the meal, too. Unless your guests are total boors, they’ll probably volunteer to help, but guests have only one role at a social
occasion — to engage in polite conversation with other guests.
Q: How early is too early to begin imbibing around my family?
A: Mobley: My goal is to never be the most inebriated person at the table (not exactly challenging in my family). The earlier you start drinking, the harder that becomes.
A: Bravo: The quantity of alcohol you consume, the rate at which it’s consumed and the time you commence should be equal to the level and severity of socio-political differences that exist in your family. For example, if you fall on the extreme liberal side of the spectrum, and have a family full of Donald Trump supporters, it’s acceptable to start in the car on the way over. ( Just kidding — please don’t break the open-container law.) But if you and your family are more moderate, your drinking should be moderate, too. It’s Thanksgiving, after all, not Mardi Gras.