‘An Apology to My Mom’
One of the poems read by 19-year-old Cassidy Ryan at a Youth Speaks Poetry Slam event
Five years old and tears streaming down my face
as grape juice stains both the carpet and my clothes
My mom comes over with a towel and a clean shirt And all I can do is sniffle “Mom I’m sorry.” Fourteen years old sitting in a drive way,
“Dad isn’t coming home” rings in my ears
Guilt fills into my body like a balloon filling with air
Reality’s sharp point making me pop.
Everything flashes through my mind, everything I coulda done to make him stay “Mom I’m sorry.” My body is made out of apologies
my existence screams I’m sorry Because Mom, I have so much to apologize for. Mom I’m sorry your students are dying in the streets, incarcerated in eighth grade
Receiving life sentences instead of diplomas.
Mom I’m sorry for the night I scared you
When my phone died and I came home late, and you held me so tight because another kid on our street wouldn’t be held by his mom again. Mom I’m sorry that, the abuse of a man who gave you your three biggest blessings at the same time gave you a constant reminder that your kids would always be f— up.
Mom I’m sorry I can’t handle
the pain like you did to save us.
Mom I’m sorry you couldn’t save us.
Mom I’m sorry your oldest two children are doing drugs on the weekdays,
Mom I’m sorry your youngest is selling prescriptions to high school kids,
Mom I’m sorry that each of us knows how to read a handle better than we do our textbooks,
That shots touch our lips as often as they echo through our streets.
Mom I’m sorry for the way the world has hurt you.
Mom I’m sorry for the way I have hurt you.
Mom I’m sorry for spilling the juice.