MISS MANNERS Avoid the thank-you spiral, unless note comes with gift

Dear Miss Manners: I came into possession of some things that had belonged to the parents of a celebrity. My aunt had married a man whose father had been married to this person’s mother. When her mother died, she left some things with her husband, and they passed down to my uncle. My aunt wasn’t able to get hold of this person, so, knowing I was a fan, she sent them to me.

I was able to make contact and return the things, which were of a fairly personal nature. I know that if it had been my parents, I would have wanted them. The lady sent me a personalized autographed photo and a threepage letter. I am thinking of writing a brief thank-you note, no response expected.

Is it silly to send a thank-you for something that was, itself, basically a thank-you? I want to express my thanks, but I don’t want to overstep and intrude upon her privacy.

Gentle Reader: Ordinarily, whether to thank for thanks is a simple matter. Yet it throws many a Gentle Reader into a tizzy, envisioning an endless exchange that consumes the lives of both parties. Miss Manners can assure them that this need not happen. It is not necessary to thank someone for thanking you.

But wait! Don’t go away. If the letter of thanks is accompanied by a present, including such tokens as flowers or candy, it is necessary to express thanks for the present. Just don’t send anything tangible with it, or you really will be trapped in a spiral of courtesy.

What makes your situation problematical is whether an autographed photograph is a present. When Queen Mary sent one in a silver frame to your great-grandmother, probably yes. But for a modern celebrity, it seems more like a calling card; the lady probably has stacks of them to send to fans. Her real graciousness was in sending you the three-page letter of thanks, but that does not require a response.

You have already been extremely gracious to someone who responded in kind. Miss Manners suggests leaving it at that. You don’t want to make her feel as if you are using that to open a correspondence.

However, if you consider the photograph a present, keep your thanks so brief (“I’m so pleased to have your photograph”) that it will be obvious that you expect the exchange to end there.

Dear Miss Manners: When offering a drink to a guest, what is the response to the reply, “I don’t drink,” or “My religion forbids alcohol”? Of course I would offer a soft drink as an alternative, but would it be impolite to drink alcohol myself ? Should I ask if it would make them uncomfortable?

Gentle Reader: Avoid the issue. Drink your drink, and offer him something else.

To decline a drink, whether because it is alcoholic, sugarladen or merely repulsive, and whether the reason is religious, medical or preference, a guest need only say, “No, thank you.”

If your guest volunteered more information in a misguided but well-meant desire to explain his behavior, he has now done so, and no additional action is necessary. If his intent was to criticize your behavior, then no good can come of further probing. A guest who expects you to put him at ease by scooping up alreadyserved drinks from other guests is asking too much.