Don’t punish grandchild if son’s girlfriend is gross

Dear Miss Manners: Our son has brought home his girlfriend twice, each for a weeklong stay. On both occasions, within an hour, she sat his father and me down to have a discussion about our son by stating, “This is what I need you to do to get Jackson to marry me,” and “This is the conversation you need to have with him.” On both occasions, we explained that our son will make that decision on his own.

During the second visit, she also let us know how “cool a girlfriend” she is because she was taking our son to a strip club that night. I was dumbfounded. I told her we didn’t need to know those details.

The rest of the second visit had her traipsing about my home in her underwear and a T-shirt; talking about her sexy look to my husband while I wasn’t in the room; standing at the top of our stairs in said underwear trying to get my husband to engage in conversation (requiring him to look up at her). I was infuriated, ceased communication with her and left for the grocery store, praying they would be gone when I returned.

To my horror, she is now (not surprisingly) pregnant. I’m not sure how I can get past the seething anger I feel every time I think of her, let alone having to be tied to her for the rest of my life.

Please give me guidance on how to handle this rage and still support our son. Loving the child is without question, and we have also found ourselves quite taken with her child from a previous relationship. Gentle Reader: Where was your son when all this was going on? And where is he now? Are they to be married?

In any case, you now are, as you are chagrined to admit, tied to your unwelcome visitor for life. Your access to your grandchild will depend on her goodwill.

This will be as severe an etiquette test as Miss Manners can imagine. You will have to keep reminding yourself that you are doing it for the sake of your grandchild — not just for your own satisfaction, but to provide an alternative household and way of behaving, which it seems likely that the child will need. Dear Miss Manners: Is there a way to politely drop the hint that a baby shower at work is unwanted?

I began my new job and my pregnancy at the same time (not that it was quite planned that way), and as time goes on, I find that I am less and less comfortable with my co-workers socially (in the modern patois, “I find we are a poor fit”). There are many whom I do not want to mix with socially, much less be the object (or the mother of the object) of one of those forced in-office celebrations.

Also, my family will be showering me, as well as a group of friends. Is there any way I may use the “embarrassment of riches” excuse? Or is the only correct thing to do to allow my co-workers to express their (willing or unwilling) delight at my pregnancy as a social duty I must perform? Gentle Reader: Has anyone actually mentioned throwing you a shower, or are you just afraid of the possibility?

If someone asks you directly, you may politely demure, not by citing your popularity outside of the office, but by insisting you wouldn’t want to burden people in the workplace. If they’re planning a surprise, however, you must endure. With all of the thank-you letters you’ll have to write, surely you’ll find something socially redeemable in your co-workers.