Ensuring family eats healthy food a job for dad, too
Because summer is barbecue season, it’s the time of year when children are most likely to eat a meal cooked by their father. Where are fathers the rest of the year? I’ve spent three years studying this question, speaking with more than 100 mothers, fathers and teenagers in the Bay Area. I found that dads not only do less meal-preparation work; they also put moms in a nutritional and emotional bind.
Feeding a family is hard work. For one, it takes time. Grocery shopping, planning and cooking meals, packing snacks — these tasks consume hours each week. But time is just one part of the story. In the families I met, moms and dads often thought differently about feeding kids. Both parents wanted their children to eat healthy. But moms were more likely to see themselves as the parent responsible for achieving that goal.
Feeding a family is psychologically and emotionally draining. Day after day, someone has to plan what everyone will eat, coordinate schedules and mealtimes, navigate allergies and taste buds.
In the United States, that someone is almost always mom. Even in families where both parents work full time, mothers still spend significantly more time than fathers doing food-related work.
When it came to modeling good eating habits, dad was the “fun” parent. Dad didn’t force Brussels sprouts down anyone’s throat, and children could always count on dad for junk food. As one teenager told me, “If I want some chips or cookies, I’ll ask my dad to get them for me. Then, my mom usually finds out and gets mad.”
Dads’ willingness to give kids unhealthy foods frustrated the moms I met. It also put moms in a tight spot.
Many moms wished they could give dads more food responsibilities. But moms feared that the more that children dined with dad, the more french fries they would eat and the fewer greens
they would get. Rather than offering relief, the idea of fathers being in charge only made moms more anxious.
It’s not that dads were deliberately trying to make moms’ lives harder or compromise their children’s diets. The fathers I spoke with were loving, committed caregivers who wanted the best for their children.
So then why did they feel off the hook for their children’s diets?
One reason is that food means different things to moms and dads.
Feeding and caring for children’s health is central to motherhood. Moms are continually judged — by themselves and society — by how they feed their families.
Feeding kids traditionally has been less central to fatherhood. Being a good father is about many things, but getting kids to eat vegetables is not generally one of them. As one mom told me: “My husband will go through the drivethrough because it’s quick and it’s easy to do. He thinks he did what he needed to do.”
Most families considered fathers’ absence from the kitchen normal. Dads said that moms did the cooking because their maternal instincts made them better attuned to children’s dietary needs. As one father explained, “My wife is more aware of recommendations and what should be followed. I’m much more if you can keep it down and it doesn’t make you obviously ill, then it’s fine.”
Similarly, moms saw dads’ nonchalance about healthy eating as typically male. As one mom described her husband, “He is just like every father. He just buys whatever the kids ask . ... He wouldn’t even read the label.”
Do fathers just have the wrong biology for feeding families? Of course not.
No one is born knowing how to shop and cook for a family. The mothers I spoke with also had to learn these skills. Even the most natural-seeming feeding activity, breastfeeding, must be learned.
What’s more, when cooking is a profession, men dominate. How can fathers be incapable of cooking a healthy meal at home when most of the top chefs in the world are men?
There are many reasons why mothers have long been responsible for food in families. But I encountered an alternative when I met families where fathers and mothers shared this work. I spoke with fathers who were seasoned grocery shoppers and healthy-meal aficionados. And because they saw themselves as responsible for their kids’ diets, they approached feeding in a way that offered moms relief rather than grief.
Feeding a family is about nutrition and health. What parents feed their children sets them up for a lifetime of eating habits. But feeding a family is also about gender equity.
Children watch what their parents do. Many daughters observe that being a mother means cooking and caring for the health of others. Sons learn being a father means leaving that work to your wife. If we want our children to grow up believing that men and women are truly equal, then it’s time to consider modeling something different at home.
This summer, let’s reimagine how parents can share the responsibility of feeding families. Fatherhood may mean barbecuing one season of the year. But wouldn’t it be great if it meant working together with mothers to feed kids healthy meals year-round?