To return, Kaepernick needs to play the game
got an easy three-step plan to help Colin Kaepernick get back into The League.
But first, a salute to Kaepernick for inspiring a breakthrough in football thinking — the Quarterback Clone Concept — QCC.
Before Kaepernick, a coach and general manager got the best quarterback they could, and he was the team’s starter. Then they got the next-best quarterback they could, and he was the backup.
There was no requirement that the starter and backup have matching blood types or doughnut preferences.
Now, suddenly, every NFL coach must have a backup quarterback who is the identical twin of the starter. Because if your starter is injured and the backup has a slightly different style, your team will explode in chaos and confusion.
Niners coach Kyle Shanahan is a proponent of the QCC. He said he wasn’t interested in Kaepernick, because Kaepernick’s skill set is hard to match. Many other coaches, experts and insiders have jumped on the QCC bandwagon.
If only Bill Walsh had had this wisdom. He never would have paired Joe Montana and Steve Young, or Young and anybody, and Walsh might have won a championship or two.
Same with Jim Harbaugh, who might have made it to a Super Bowl if only he hadn’t foolishly paired run-prone Kaepernick with game-manager Alex Smith.
Anyway, back to my threestep plan for Kaepernick.
One: Eat raw meat and FlaI’ve min’ Hot Cheetos. Your vegetarian diet is seen by football people as feminizing. Never mind that it’s probably similar to the diet that added about five killer years to Tony Gonzalez’s career. In the eyes of football, you are what you eat, Timmy Tofu.
Two: Get a new girlfriend. Your Muslim girlfriend scares the heck out of some football people and many fans. Try dating a Mormon. No, Buddhist. That would confuse a lot of people.
Three: Get a crew cut. You know how your hair kind of explodes when you take off your helmet? Well, judging from my email, that triggers a similar response in many people —except instead of their hair, their brains explode.
If you want to play the game, you’ve got to play the game.