How to respond when told: ‘I should have sent a note’
Dear Miss Manners: Several times, friends, acquaintances and family members have apologized to me (face to face) for their not having written a sympathy or thank-you note.
I did not know how to respond to, for example, “I heard that your father died, and I should have sent you a note but I didn’t, and now I feel bad about it.”
I’m afraid I said something like, “Yes, there was lots of sorrow all around,” but I really feel doubly offended.
And many times I have heard, “I loved the (party, lunch, gift) you gave, and I should have sent you a thank-you note.” How would Miss Manners respond?
Gentle Reader: “That’s quite all right. I didn’t expect it.”
Miss Manners is not sure that the All About Me Folks — you lost your father, and therefore they want you to console them — will understand. But it should make you feel better.
Dear Miss Manners: I am the matron of honor in my sister’s upcoming wedding. My husband is also in the bridal party as a groomsman.
As is customary, my sister is planning to have the bridal party share a first dance, each attendant with their partner. My mother is insisting that, as matron of honor, I must dance the first dance with the best man, and likewise, that my husband should dance with his corresponding attendant.
Personally, I’d rather share the first dance with my husband, because he’s also in the wedding party, and I will be several months pregnant with a sizable baby bump at the time (read: awkward for dancing).
Does wedding etiquette dictate that the maid/matron of honor and best man must share the first dance together? I’d appreciate your advice on the formal etiquette.
Gentle Reader: You would be shocked to know how little etiquette cares who dances with whom.
While it is customary to have the bridal couple dance first together and then with their parents, the hope is that this leads to the guests’ doing so, rather than an exhibition for them to watch. It is useful to have the bridal party take to the dance floor to encourage others.
What your sister is suggesting is an orderly pairing, not a romantic one. Miss Manners would not object to your dancing with your husband, but neither does she see this as precluding your doing so for the rest of the evening.
As for the baby bump, that is rather charming at a wedding. In any case, it will maintain your distance from your non-husband, if you think that necessary.
Dear Miss Manners: Here is another example of “Shouldn’t manners make sense instead of being a stupid formality?”
When the table is set with a salad plate, why is that plate placed on the left of the main plate? Reaching over the main plate may cause your sleeve to be soiled. It is true that left-handed people would have no difficulty.
Gentle Reader: And they get few such breaks. Miss Manners rejects the notion that all manners must make sense, which would eliminate most traditions and ceremonies. If you insist, however, she can supply a reason for those salad plates being on the left for right-handed people. The glasses are on the right, and drink is more frequently reached for than salad.
Dear Miss Manners: Is it appropriate for a mother-to-be to send thank-you cards for the baby shower gifts?
Gentle Reader: Unless the baby is going to do it. Or the father-tobe, which may be even less likely.
Send questions to Miss Manners’ website: www.missmanners.com; to her email address: dearmiss manners@gmail.com; or through postal mail: Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.