MISS MANNERS Host needn’t childproof home but may gently dispose of guest
Dear Miss Manners:
My new home happens to have a perfect spot for bonfires in the backyard. I mentioned to an acquaintance that I’m eager to host a summertime barbecue and bonfire, and indicated that guests would be welcome to bring their families. I assumed that roasting marshmallows around a bonfire would be fun for the children and would save the parents the trouble of finding child care.
This particular acquaintance has two young daughters, ages 3 and 4. She responded by commenting that I would, of course, childproof my home in preparation for the event, and asked exactly how I would keep the children from the fire: Was I planning on a fence, or would there be supervision?
Actually, aside from the obvious, like ensuring that bleach and knives were out of the reach of the little ones, I hadn’t really planned on any childproofing, and have to admit that I had the expectation that any parents bringing children would take responsibility for watching them.
She does bring up a valid point: I have invited guests to bring their children, and therefore, it follows that I have an obligation to accommodate these young guests. On the other hand, I’m not running a day care.
I’ve clearly indicated the nature of the event to my guests, and believe that they may judge for themselves whether the event is appropriate for their young ones. It’s not unreasonable for me to expect them to assume that my childless home will not be fully childproofed, is it?
Gentle Reader:
Your assumption is not unreasonable, although Miss Manners suspects your acquaintance would disagree. Unless childproofing appeals to you as a design aesthetic for your new home, your problem is not how to dispose of every conceivably dangerous temptation to small hands, but how to dispose of an already invited guest.
The solution is to gently confirm her fears by agreeing that perhaps she is right that this is not a good event for children since there are so many things that you will not be able to childproof completely. It would be rude to rescind an invitation, once given, but your apologetic concern for her children can only be appreciated.
Dear Miss Manners:
My daughter and I attended the bridal shower for a friend’s future daughter-in-law. We had absolutely no desire to attend this shower (for many, many reasons), but we went anyway. We both conducted ourselves properly and gave lovely gifts.
We were pretty much ignored. One of the “games” was to have the guests address the envelopes to themselves for the thank-you notes. Our thank-you notes mentioned the wrong gifts.
Now that my daughter is getting married, this friend is using every lame excuse in the book for not attending the shower. I have always felt that if someone attends your shower, etc., you are pretty much obligated to attend theirs, unless you are now deceased. Am I wrong?
Gentle Reader:
Yes. Why would you want this rude and inconsiderate woman at your daughter’s shower, anyway? And where did you get the idea that death is the benchmark for an excuse not to attend something? Certainly not from Miss Manners. In fact, she does not require that guests create excuses at all. Just that they politely say, “I am so sorry, but I am unable to attend.”
Dear Miss Manners:
I tasted a delicious dessert while traveling, and when I returned home, I tried replicating it. I finally perfected it and now like to make it for special occasions.
My problem is that other women have asked for the recipe. It isn’t just that I spent the time and effort to come up with it, but because I socialize in a small community, I don’t want everyone to have it. How do I politely decline to share my secret recipe?
Gentle Reader:
Coyly. The secretive chef is a stock character with which others are familiar, and you only have to learn to play the part pleasantly.
“Sorry,” Miss Manners suggests saying, “but that’s my secret lure. I’d hate to have you able to make it for yourself, because then you’d not be as eager to come to see me.”