Aging well can be very rewarding
I have a good friend who is turning 70 this year. He is a prime physical specimen, looking and acting far younger than his years, so I would like to officially nominate him for induction into the Aging Hall of Fame.
I’m sure there are some who haven’t heard of this esteemed organization. That’s because I recently made it up. However, AHOF has made great strides in its infancy, as witnessed by the large number of inquiries already received. Let me share some of them with you.
Dear AHOF: I heard about the Aging Hall of Fame and desperately want to be included. I am 65, in great health, with no gray hair and the whitest teeth you’ve ever seen. I also have sex twice daily. Can I get in? Signed, Joe from Milwaukee.
Dear Joe: First of all, you need to be at least 70 to be considered. You’re five years away and much can happen, none of which you want to hear about. But if you’re having sex twice a day, that means you’ll have 3,650 liaisons (365 x 2 x 5) in the next five years, meaning you’ll be dead by the time you turn 70, so don’t worry about the AHOF. But have fun while it lasts.
Dear AHOF: Are women eligible for induction? Signed, Hazel from Miami Dear Hazel: No. Dear AHOF: Why not? Signed, Perturbed from Miami.
Dear Perturbed: If you must know, it’s because there are some women I know who would kill me if they got excluded. So it’s best to leave all of them out. You’re welcome to come to the annual banquet, though, especially if you think you would have been eligible for a Women’s AHOF, if someone was insane enough to start one.
Dear AHOF: You’re a jerk. Signed, Homicidal from Miami. Dear Homicidal: Forget the banquet. Dear AHOF: I’m 75 years old, male and in tip-top condition. I look good, feel good and expect to live at least another 25 years, especially with the help of the human growth hormone I’ve been taking. Would I be eligible for the Aging Hall of Fame? Signed, Maurice from Buffalo.
Dear Maurice: Good question. My 70-year-old friend, who is being inducted into AHOF this year, has never taken steroids, or so he says. He claims the shots in his butt delivered by his personal female trainer were nothing more than harmless fun after a grueling workout. It was just something she liked to do, but no drugs were involved.
Dear AHOF: You didn’t answer my question. Signed, Maurice
Dear Maurice: You’re out. Be more discreet next lifetime.
Dear AHOF: I have two new knees, a new shoulder and a new hip. But I’m 66 and feeling better than ever. Most of my other body parts work fabulously, if you know what I mean. What are my chances of getting into the Aging Hall of Fame? Signed, George from New Jersey.
Dear George: Replacement parts are a red flag. They don’t disqualify you per se, but if I were you, I’d work on making it to 70 without any more surgeries. By that time there could be an AHOF Refurbished Edition, and you’d be a prime candidate.
Dear AHOF: Is induction into the Aging Hall of Fame permanent? What if I get hit by a truck two months after I get into AHOF? Signed, Pete from New Orleans.
Dear Pete: I’d call that bad luck. AHOF honorees must live at least 10 years after induction to maintain their standing. The Nominating Committee would be very unhappy and embarrassed if you were to die before vesting. However, after 10 years, you can eat and drink and loaf around as much as you want, as you will have attained Tenure Status. You can’t be kicked out, but there will be an asterisk on your name if you don’t make 90.
Dear AHOF: What happens if I reach 90? Signed, Hopeful Pete
Dear Hopeful Pete: You reach Emeritus Status. AHOF currently has two Emeritus Members, both of whom remain very active and healthy. They are true Aging Hall of Famers, and all of us should look to them for guidance. I did, but they had trouble hearing and/or understanding me.
Dear AHOF: Are you an AHOF inductee? Signed, Fred from Palm Springs.
Dear Clueless Fred: First of all, at 64 I’m not even close to being old yet. Secondly, after the next six years of plastic surgery, steroids and replacement parts, I’m pretty much a shoo-in. But don’t tell anyone.
Aging honorees at after least induction Hall 10 must years of Fame live to standing. maintain The their Nominating Committee would be very unhappy and embarrassed if you were to die before vesting.