Host informs nonguests they didn’t make the cut

Dear Miss Manners: This might ruin your day, but here are some puzzling greetings (or non-greetings) that my friends have received:

My friend’s cousin messaged her half-dozen least favorite cousins on Facebook, telling them that they would not be invited to her wedding, apologizing, hoping they would not be hurt — and directing them to her gift registry.

Another friend was accosted by an acquaintance telling her not to expect a Christmas card because she had purchased only 25 and needed to send them to other people. When my friend replied that the non-greeter needn’t worry, she would just refrain from sending a Christmas present, the non-greeter begged her to wait and promised she would find a card (somehow) and send it. My friend kindly refrained from asking what number she was if she didn’t make the cut of 25.

Gentle Reader: Yes, it ruined Miss Manners’ day. Sadly, she was not unaware of the egotism that characterizes these examples — the urge to tell people they are not in favor enough to receive invitations or presents. But she finds particularly appalling the notion that there is some sort of social obligation to announce “nyah nyah” to the excluded.

Dear Miss Manners: While I was at a playground with my grandchildren, I witnessed a father trying to force his son, about 4 years old, to go across the monkey bars. The little boy was terrified. The father, at one point, even called him a sissy. The child’s mother was visibly upset, and whispered to the father that everyone was staring at him. He loudly yelled, “I don’t care who’s looking!” Finally, the father gave up in disgust with his son.

I wanted so badly to interfere and help this child but assumed the father would yell an expletive-laden “MYOB” at me. The child did not seem in imminent physical danger, but he was in a lot of emotional pain. Is there anything I should have done?

Gentle Reader: Assured your grandchildren that they will never be treated similarly. And then encouraged them to go play with the poor boy afterward.

Dear Miss Manners: When, if ever, did someone decide it is appropriate to approach another person and ask for an item they own?

I know the dangers of smoking; everyone does. The gall of these people makes me want to give them one cigarette, just to shorten their life a little. Am I wrong resenting them, or can they just go on smoking without buying?

Gentle Reader: Asking for a cigarette and asking for your car are not morally equivalent — unless the request is accompanied by the threat of force in case of noncompliance.

The difference is not only in the value of the requested item, but in the implication that it is incidental to a social interaction, such as huddling together in the cold, 15 feet from the building entrance. This means that “bumming a cigarette” as you run down the street would, indeed, be wrong.

But even allowable requests can be politely refused. What puzzles Miss Manners about your attitude is that you, too, must be a smoker, or you would not have a cigarette to bestow or withhold. Given the animosity that nonsmokers now routinely show to smokers, Miss Manners would have thought that some tolerance within the group would be a good investment.

Send questions to Miss Manners’ website: www.missmanners.com; to her email address: dearmiss manners@gmail.com; or through postal mail: Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.