Demystifying mystique around Wine Country
Q: So what’s the deal with the Wine Country?
A: Be more specific. California has 107 separate AVAs.
Q: What’s an AVA?
A: American Viticultural Area. A geographic grapegrowing area recognized by distinguishable conditions such as climate, soil or elevation, distinct from surrounding areas. Think differently colored patches on a big quilt covering a lumpy bed with squirming cats.
Q: Over 100? Ye gods! How many in the Bay Area?
A: Napa has 16 AVAs, Sonoma 17, Lake County 5, Mendocino County 7, plus Santa Cruz, Livermore Valley and Monterey have some. Napa has 600 wineries and Sonoma 500. If Bacchus doesn’t live here, he has a party pad — forgive me, pied a terre — in Healdsburg. The joke being: “You go to Calistoga. In Healdsburg, you arrive.”
Q: What if you’re a normal schlub who can’t tell the difference between stemmy, nosey, piquant and squirrelly?
A: Taste is mostly genetic, and wine can be enjoyed by any level of quaffer, including those whose only previous connection has been sacramental.
Q: So when winos claim they can pinpoint the side of a hill of a vineyard as the source of a wine’s grapes, they’re not just being uppity prats?
A: Many oenophiles have taste buds more sophisticated than yours or mine and years of swigging experience. Others are indeed uppity prats.
Q: What makes Sonoma and Napa different?
A: In those two winegrowing areas, everyone is in the hospitality business. Even the cops carry corkscrews on their equipment belts.
Q: Really?
A: Maybe.
Q: What else makes these two destinations different?
A: Sommeliers at Applebee’s. Bar tabs deductible as research. “Falcon Crest” is a documentary. You remember the birth years of your children by the quality of the year’s vintage. “Jimmy: enh. Teresa: wonderful. Al: sucks.”
Q: When’s the best time to go?
A: Now.
Q: Why?
A: Now is always the best time. (Long pause to savor philosophical implications.) January through December. What’s special is The Crush is upon us. When you see pumpkins on the ground, Mother Nature is disgorging her bounty, and in Northern California that means carrots, broccoli, tomatoes, cauliflower, beets, Brussels sprouts, squash, marijuana and wine.
Q: Marijuana?
A: You know: Pot. Grass. Weed. Bud. Herb. Chronic. Settle down, it’s legal.
Q: How is this wine harvest looking?
A: You can never tell. The May rains didn’t hurt as much as first feared. But we’re still not out of the heat or fire season. Winemaking is always a crapshoot in a rowboat during an ice storm.
Q: Who produces the most wine?
A: Fortysix out of California’s 58 counties grow grapes. But 75% of the wine produced in the state comes from the Central Valley. Euphemistically known as table wine. Think gallon bottles and screw tops.
Q: Can tourists really go grape stomping?
A: Many wineries promote such things in early October, but it ain’t cheap.
Q: They charge you to do their work?
A: It’s an interactive experience. Like Tom Sawyer’s Purple Barefoot Ride.
Q: What are the do’s and don’ts of wine tasting?
A: Don’t go all Paul Giamatti. Stay the least drunk possible. Use the spit jar. Hydrate. Eat before you go. No stink — pits or perfume. Keep the chugging discreet. Have some courtesy, some sympathy and taste.
Q: All that’s obvious, what else?
A: Wear dark clothes. Even if you don’t spill, someone else will.
Q: Can you drink red wine with fish?
A: Ahh, the ageold conundrum. Many schools of thought, but the general consensus is “go for it.” Have a glass of chilled Cabernet Sauvignon with that double bacon cheeseburger. Chardonnay with your Honey Nut Cheerios. Champagne Popsicles. We are the Subversives.