Dating show has wisdom for all ages
“12 Dates of Christmas” is an HBO Max reality show that focuses on three people — a gay man, a straight man and a straight woman — and the process by which they select whom they will bring home to their parents’ house for Christmas dinner.
The show begins at an Austrian castle, where a variety of candidates are brought into contact with the three principals. Rivalries between the candidates develop, and periodically there’s a solemn ritual — a staple of reality shows — in which the rejected candidates are told to “leave the castle.”
The distinguishing characteristic of this particular dating show is that neither Garrett (the gay man), Chad (the straight man) or Faith (the straight woman) is a player. They’re goodlooking, but they’re fairly sincere and seem to really hope to find someone. In fact, sometimes all that sincerity and earnest longing becomes almost embarrassing to watch.
I suppose if you’re in your late 20s to early 30s — the ages of the people on the show — there’s nothing new for you to discover in “12 Dates of Christmas.” But if you’re considerably younger or older than the people on the show, “12 Dates” can be instructive.
Here are three lessons to learn for
older viewers:
Dating is a lot more painful than you remember it: I remember all the years of dating as something wonderful and exciting, but then I’ve been married since 1994, so basically, I’m recalling tales from the Reagan and Clinton years. But seeing these young people on the show suddenly brought back all the discomfort and the awful “not knowing” of dating, as in someone says something and you have no idea what it means, and you have no one you can ask. I also remembered the momentbymoment selfpromotion involved in dating. It was exhausting, and it remains exhausting even to watch.
“May I kiss you?” is a thing: A generation ago, any guy who put on a simpering expression and said, “May I kiss you?” would have been considered pathetic, not willing to read signals and man up. But Chad makes it work here, over and over, and that’s an improvement.
The language of dating has become analytical, and yet it remains as inauthentic as ever: Throughout the series, people keep describing their feelings and interactions in the midst of having the interactions. For example, “I feel that I can speak to you, that we’re moving forward, and I’m hearing what you’re saying, and I feel like I’m arriving at a certain place in my life, and I don’t know how you feel about this, but I’m hearing you, and I’m glad we’re having this moment. This is very important to me.”
The translation? Probably this means, “I’m not ready to commit,” but your guess is as good as mine.
Here are four lessons
“12 Dates” can teach younger viewers:
The power dynamics of dating are treacherous: Throughout “12 Dates,” you see people striving to please other people ... but once they feel they have them, the power dynamic shifts. It takes a long, long time to be able to relax ina relationship, and it doesn’t help matters to pretend you’re at the relaxation stage when you’re not.
People lie all over themselves: In the immortal words of Pat Benatar, “love is a battlefield,” and in the pursuit of love and romance, people will say anything. In “12 Dates,” sometimes the liars believe their own lies, but most of the time, they’re just straightup lying. And it’s hard, at first, to tell the liars from the truth tellers, because everyone is acting like their own press agent. So be careful out there.
If someone tells you that you’re “really sweet,” you’re finished: It’s not a compliment. Conversely, “Wow, you’re so crazy” is a compliment.
Be honest ... but remember that honest doesn’t mean spilling your guts at every opportunity: In the end, presenting a false front becomes pointless, because a lie can’t be sustained forever. So as “12 Dates” shows, you might as well be yourself. But that doesn’t mean announcing every small emotion, every insecurity, every doubt and every fear that you have. On “12 Dates,” the men and women who fare best are the people who say what they want and feel without compromising their essential dignity.
In a sense, that’s a bal
ancing act. It’s easy to lie, and it’s easy to be absolutely honest, but it takes discretion and judgment to tell the truth and yet hold something back. In this I was particularly impressed by one of the women, but I won’t say who, because that would give away too much. But she does very well on “12 Dates” without ever lying or spilling her guts.
She just knows what she wants, says what she wants and gets it — and she does it all on camera. You have to admire that kind of control and selfknowledge, especially in a young person.
The series is in eight parts of 45 minutes each. The rollout: three episodes on Thanksgiving, followed by three more episodes Thursday, Dec. 3, followed by the final two episodes on Dec. 10.
Watch some or all of it. It will take you back — or prepare you for what’s coming.