Paying homage to Metallica merch
Metallica has never been afraid of merchandising. Through its 40 years, the Bay Area band has released enough Tshirt variants — a few of which aren’t black — to clothe a small nation full of long-haired fans. And while Metallica isn’t in the Kiss or Misfits realm — two groups that have put their logos and band members’ visages on everything from condoms and coffins to fur-lined boots and flip-flops — Metallica is pretty shameless itself.
Here’s a look at some of the band’s worst merch choices, including a weird twist on an old game and a baby bib destined for “The Thing That Should Not Be” category.
Metallica Clue: The band revealed this bizarre mashup just in time for the holiday season: a Metallica version of the whodunit board game, which will help keep the Metallica Monopoly board game from being lonely in the back of our closets.
I suppose this is good news for anyone who ever wanted to say out loud, “In the jam room with James’ guitar,” as a way to prove they’ve figured out who killed an imaginary character.
The game costs $50, and it’s probably worth it. I mean, how many metal band board games are there anyway?
Blackened American Whiskey: Let’s be real, at least this isn’t a celebrity wine that’s wrapped in the forced pretense of elitism and aristocracy. Metallica knows what its fans want, and it ain’t wine.
This amber concoction was supposedly a collaboration between the band and “master distiller” Dave Pickerell, known as the “Johnny Appleseed” of craft distilling who has worked with Maker’s Mark and WhistlePig.
The best thing about this drink? It has its own merch. Might be the first time we’ve seen merch have merch. That’s some meta-tallica stuff.
Metallica hockey pucks:
This makes no sense. Well, maybe a little. The band has performed the national anthem at hockey games, so they dig the sport (in theory, at least). And there is a weird subset of metalheads who adore hockey despite loathing sports. Apparently the band is cornering that market. But for the record, Kiss appears to have had its own hockey pucks first.
Metallica deluxe action figures:
We’re not talking about the action figures that came out through Todd McFarlane’s company, though they were cool. These are the deluxe “statues” from the band’s “Hardwired … to Self Destruct” era. They kinda look like 3-D printed cartoon versions of the band, and they’re “deluxe,” which means the set of four is priced at more than $500.
Metallica watches: Few things scream “metal” like a strict adherence to being punctual. Which must be why Metallica teamed up with Nixon watches to put out a series of timepieces with skeleton arms for hands or illustrations by band regular Pushhead under the ticking arms. Just wait for “Two Minutes to Midnight” — oh wait, wrong band.
Wolverine Metallica boots:
This is what happens when a company wants to upend its biggest competition. Everyone knows Doc Martens are the boots of choice for metalheads. So what does Wolverine do? They put out a line of black work boots with Metallica logos on them. Decision time for hard-core fans.
Metallica baby onesie:
Just in case you need to program your baby’s musical tastes before the talking stage, this black onesie is modeled after the band’s “Kill ’Em All” album cover, with a bottle of spilled milk in that famous red rectangle. The text says “Spill ’Em All.” We’re not laughing.