‘No offense, but ...’ usually precedes something offensive
Dear Miss Manners: There are two ways people start a statement that I find extremely infuriating. They are: “No offense, but ...” and “I’m sorry, but ...”
These are invariably followed by something sexist, ageist or racist, or by repeating what the other person just said, then saying why that person is wrong and doesn’t know what they are talking about period, end of subject.
When this happens to me, I am usually so angry that I say nothing, but I seem unable to let it go. Is there anything that would be appropriate in response?
Gentle Reader: For the first, “You are right. That’s pretty offensive.”
Miss Manners realizes that the offender was, instead, asking for a pass to be offensive without consequences. Your response is to say that it has not been granted.
For the second, “I can see why you are sorry. I’m sorry, too.” End of discussion.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I invited four couples to be our guests for dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in town. I wanted to use proper place cards, but my husband didn’t want to appear “stuffy.”
We greeted our guests near the entrance to our private dining room, which was close to the head of the table. One of our guests made a beeline to the other end of the table and sat at what should have been my place. I was going to say something, but Husband gently took my hand and signaled I should remain silent.
I found it difficult to smile and be polite while Husband’s friend took the lead in the conversation and acted as though he was the host of our party. Husband doesn’t understand why I’m so steamed, and says, “It’s just a chair!” He said next time I should leave my purse in the chair to save it, if it’s so important to me.
Where I come from, it’s common knowledge that the host and hostess sit at the ends of the dining table. To usurp the hostess’ chair would be a great show of disrespect for the hostess and an insult to the host. Such an act could easily cause a feud.
Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Has etiquette relaxed so much that guests can sit where they please without regard to their hosts?
Gentle Reader: Has etiquette relaxed so much that hosts don’t tell their guests where to sit?
Oh, that’s right, you don’t want to appear stuffy. Miss Manners hears that word a lot from people who do not want to follow procedures that have been worked out to make things orderly.
Telling guests what arrangements you have made for their comfort — for example, a seating plan that puts potentially compatible people together — is not offensive. On the contrary.