Dining with strange dogs — and other inelegant canine conundrums
“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” — Aldous Huxley
There’s no question Santa Fe is a dog town, and it’s not uncommon for pet parents to feel that everyone shares the same admiration for dogs that dogs feel for humans. It’s important to remember that some feel less warm and fuzzy over furry friends.
As an infant learning to crawl, I had the misfortune of wandering up to a dog who was eating and bit into my face. My scar keeps my guard up. As a mother, I teach my son how to greet a dog by asking permission from the owner and then extending a hand for the dog to sniff.
This week, I doggedly ponder your questions about canine conundrums.
Question: My husband and I were recently visiting the home of my former boss and his family. We are relatively casual acquaintances. They love animals and have a couple of very eager dogs. My husband and I like dogs, too (we had one for 15 years), but not to the same extent that this family does. I guess they think, however, that we like their dogs as much as they do.
On the recent visit, the dogs were a little “too friendly” for my taste. I do not appreciate a wet nose stuck into “private areas.” It was awkward to try to push the dog away and not be offensive to the owners. They either did not notice or didn’t think it was a problem.
When we had a dog, I never let him exhibit such behaviors. He was not allowed to jump on guests or pester them in other ways. One of their dogs was literally in my husband’s face — he jumped into my husband’s lap and was trying to lick his face, including his mouth. This was not OK for either my husband or myself. Neither host made a real effort to stop the dog from behaving like this.
My question is how do we handle a dinner invitation? We like these people very much and don’t want to offend them.
Answer: This household sounds like it subscribes to the mantra “must love dogs” and assumes its guests do, too. It’s wonderful that the dogs are warm and friendly; however, they might need some guidance on the welcoming committee.
The thoughtful host recognizes that not every guest feels welcomed by a warm lick or nosy sniff. I tell all my guests that we have two dogs in advance of a gathering to gauge their interest. I also take cues from my guests’ behavior and body language around our dogs to see how much I need to step in. If the hosts’ manners have gone to the dogs, they might need some friendly reminding. Honesty is the best policy before you start down a path of dodging invitations. Here are a few different scenarios to consider.
Let them know when you RSVP that you’d love to come, and add, “We enjoy dogs very much, as you know, but I do get nervous/uncomfortable when they are on me and near my face. After they greet us, could we put them in another room, please?” If that feels too forward for you, try being spontaneous upon arrival. The dogs might recognize you and behave less affectionately. Try some clear commands with a respectful delivery. If the dog jumps up on you at the door try, “OFF. It’s good to see you. OK, OFF now.” This paints you as reasonable with boundaries.
When they jump on your lap on the sofa or start licking your face, try the commands again, starting softly and working up to a firm “off.” Ask your hosts what their command is for “off.” If they don’t have one or don’t clue in by this point, then you’ll have to speak up.
You could try: “I’m not used to this much affection. Could you call your dog off, please?” Or: “I’m feeling overwhelmed/uncomfortable. Could we put the dogs up/move them into another room, please?”
If you just can’t imagine going through this ordeal again, tell them:
You’re dying to try a new restaurant and offer to make a reservation.
You’d love to take them to their favorite restaurant.
Your husband started sneezing uncontrollably and got swollen eyes after the last visit. “New allergies. Very odd. Let’s dine out to be safe.”
Question: I’m still training my dog, who jumps on people, but want to socialize him with other dogs at the park. Can I keep him on a leash?
Answer: This depends on the setting and signage. Respect all posted signs about park rules. Dogs behave very differently on- and off-leash. A dog park specifically for off-leash play can create aggressive reactions in the leashed dog, who feels constrained, sensing its limited mobility.
If you aren’t feeling in control yet, then start by choosing a leash-only setting. People choose these settings for specific reasons and have an expectation that all humans will comply. It’s often safer to avoid leash greetings, especially if you’re new to the scene.
When leash-walking your dog, allow just 4 to 6 feet of length so you can quickly get the dog to your side if necessary. Fixed leashes are recommended over retractable leashes for a number of reasons. Retractables teach your dog that it is OK to pull. The long lead gives you less control and allows for the dog to get around a corner before you do. You might consider one or more private lessons with a certified dog trainer. Bizia Greene owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Share your comments and conundrums at hello@ etiquettesantafe.com or 505-988-2070.