Donald’s gospel
Did you see the widespread news reports that President Trump likes to get a “propaganda document” twice a day filled with nice stuff about himself ? Supposedly, it is material that aides have culled that makes him look good. Sometimes it is a chyron screenshot with a line he would like. Sometimes it is a positive news story. Sometimes, a supportive tweet. Sometimes, if they are out of positive things, which I bet happens a lot, the staff will throw in some photos that flatter the president.
I’m not sure if these reports are true — some staffers deny it — but I hope it is. We want President Grump to be happy and content. What I’d suggest is that aides get more creative with their positive news. We all know the president doesn’t check things out real carefully; why let truth stand in the way?
A picture of Trump, President Lincoln Photoshopped in next to him, with Trump taller than the 6-foot-4 Lincoln in his top hat.
A mock-up Nobel Prize for “Terrificness.”
A letter from the members of National Organization for Women admitting periods are gross and they are so sorry and ashamed.
A Photoshopped picture of Obama’s inaugural crowd massing for a tour of Trump’s childhood home in Queens.
A tweet from Chuck Norris saying he wishes he were half as tough as Trump.
A tweet to Trump from the pope, confessing his sins and begging forgiveness.
A note from the Department of the Treasury saying it is planning to put Trump’s face on a new $1,000,000,000,000,000,000 bill.
A New York Times front page with the banner headline “We Are Failing Because We Suck.”
A Social Security Administration report that “Donald” is the most popular boys‚ name in 2016, and that Barack sank from No. 1,050 to No. 7,000,000,006.
A letter from Frederick Douglass thanking Trump for his compliment and for making sure black people don’t get into college too easily, which would spoil them.
A Rasmussen poll showing his support at 77 percent ... stripped of the notation indicating the poll was taken in Alabama.
A report from the American Library Association saying that certain books are self-immolating in solidarity with Trump, including Hillary’s “What Happened.”
An announcement from the Washington Nationals that they are replacing the Racing Presidents with the Racing 45s. Four Trumps, so he’ll win so much we’ll all be sick of it!
A report that the latest fashion trend is neckties hanging to the crotch.
A report that nutritionists have changed the healthy BMI to whatever Trump’s is.
A report that, by popular demand, the United States is considering introducing droit de seigneur.
A note from Brigitte Macron telling Trump what good shape he’s in.
A letter from “scientists all over the world” thanking Trump for accurately predicting the Aug. 21 solar eclipse and for making it cross most of the United States so a lot of Americans can see it.
A flyer from Macy’s saying Presidents’ Day sales have been moved to Trump’s birthday.
A lollipop for getting to the end of the “propaganda document.”