A new dynamic
Paternity leave to take care of third child shifts a family’s interactions
There’s a new hierarchy in our household. It became apparent on a recent evening when my husband and I came home from work at about the same time. Our three kids were already finished with dinner and playing happily with their babysitter and grandparents. The older children rushed up to give me a big hug. The baby broke into a huge grin … and crawled right past me. Straight into the open arms of my husband.
Nine-month-old Charlie gurgled happily as my husband, Adam, scooped him up and nuzzled his belly. Adam toted the baby around on his hip for the rest of the evening as he made bottles, prepped our dinner and tidied the house. Then he put Charlie to bed using his miraculous technique that knocks the baby out for 12 hours straight.
This has been our new normal ever since my husband took an extended paternity leave after Charlie was born. It may not sound that radical — dad taking care of baby — or, at least, it shouldn’t. He was home for four months, shorter than a season of hockey.
But it was enough to allow Adam to step into the role of lead parent for the first time. The experience has been a game-changer for our family, especially since we didn’t even realize the game needed changing. Just a few months of gender-role reversal — Daddy at home, Mommy at work — taught us how much we both had been missing. Adam noticed the difference right away. He had flown solo many times before, when I traveled for work or for a weekend with the girls. But that felt more like holding down the fort. Now it was just him and the kids while I worked 12-hour days. Now he was in charge and calling the shots in a way he had never been before. That meant figuring out the answer to a lot of questions on his own.
When should the baby go down for his nap? How long should he cry it out? Has this bottle been sitting out too long? Does this sleep sack smell like pee?
He churned through the endless cycle of drop-offs and pickups, loading and unloading the dishwasher, loading and unloading the washing machine, making meals and clearing the table.
Of course, it didn’t come easily. Adam wasn’t a new parent, but he was in a new role. After the
first week, he dug out the electric heating pad to ease the back pain from carrying a chunky baby around all day. Wooden blocks, silicone teethers and puzzle pieces lay strewn across the playroom floor. Some days he didn’t shower.
Don’t get me wrong: My husband has been a wonderful and deeply involved father to our older children, 6-year-old Eleanor and 4-yearold William. He was never one to shy away from a dirty diaper.
But during the early days, he simply was not around that much. His company provided three weeks off through a combination of vacation and leave when our daughter was born. He took two weeks when the second child arrived. At the time, it sounded like more than enough, especially because many men stay home for only a few days. In retrospect, it was barely a blip.
I, on the other hand, was able to stay home for six months after each of our first two children were born. We were grateful for the time but soon learned that those early months establish a family dynamic that lasts well beyond the baby stage. Because I was home, I was the one who got up with the children at night — even after I had stopped nursing and was back at work full time. I determined their schedules and made sure diapers and wipes remained in stock. I could tell the difference between a tired cry and a hungry cry.
The pattern is self-reinforcing: The more you understand your child’s wants and needs, the more likely they are to want and need things from you. So even when Adam tried to step in, they asked for me instead.
But when Charlie was born, Adam was working for a new company with a progressive leave policy: four months of parental leave, meaning not only moms could take the time, but dads, too.
Adam took the company up on it. I went back to work four months after Charlie was born. Adam stayed home for the next four months, plus a few extra weeks using accumulated vacation. The investment in time paid off in a way he didn’t expect: Charlie is definitely daddy’s boy.
I remember Adam telling me I ought to be grateful on the days our older children were especially needy. I remember bristling and not-so-patiently explaining I was emotionally exhausted and their demands overwhelming.
Now I am second banana in our baby’s eyes and, in hindsight, understand what he meant.
We’re not a perfect family. But I like to think we are part of something bigger, a movement toward greater equality not just in the workplace, but also at home. All it takes to get started is a little bit of time.