Redefining sadness and learning from it
Sadness evokes such a variety of responses. Some want to swoop in and fix everything, trying to “happy up” the person feeling sad. Some avoid allowing themselves to feel sad, fearing they will get stuck in a bottomless pit of despair.
Sadness is sometimes termed a “negative emotion.” It is viewed as something to avoid or quickly resolve. In our culture, a street named “Sadness” would have a row of stop signs, warnings to proceed with caution and barricades marked “danger ahead.”
I would like to elevate sadness to its rightful place as a guide equal to all other feelings. Please note that I am not talking about depression.
Sadness has a great deal to teach us about ourselves. If children grow up believing that they need to dodge sadness, they will be missing out on much self-understanding and a lot of richness in their lives.
In teaching children about feelings — even about sadness — The Peaceful Project has three concepts that are terrific for teachers and parents to embrace.
1. Talk about five core feelings — mad, sad, hurt, afraid and happy. This allows children to discuss and identify feelings in a language that is easily understood and experienced. All feelings, even those that are phrased with adult sophistication, can distill down into these five core feelings. Brokenhearted is sad, enraged distills down into mad, devastated is hurt, and so on.
2. All feelings are valuable and created equal. There are no negative or positive feelings. Each feeling has something to teach us. Each feeling keeps us safe. Some may be more uncomfortable than others, and that is OK.
3. Feelings are meant to be felt, not necessarily expressed. By allowing ourselves to feel our feelings, we can hear their message and then decide if we want to act. Reacting from a feeling, especially a large one, can get us into trouble in our relationships. For instance, feeling mad is great. Acting from feeling mad can cause upset.
To begin a discussion about feelings with children, it is helpful to consider feelings as an energy — a vibration — that is in our body. First ask your child to identify the feeling (mad, sad, hurt, afraid or happy) and then to notice where the feeling originates in their body. Do they feel sadness in their heart, their shoulders or throughout their whole body? Is there a heaviness or weight to it? Children can even imagine the feeling as a color. This is social-emotional learning and the beginning of emotional regulation. What does sadness teach us? Pam Dunn, author of It’s Time to Look Inside, says fully feeling sad and releasing it allows us to know and experience how much we care. It also lets us know what it is we care about. Dunn says allowing ourselves to feel sad is a form of self-care.
I felt sad the other day after a phone call with someone in my family. By allowing myself to feel sad rather than ignoring or compartmentalizing it, I got to see that I care deeply about this person. I got to clearly see that I not only care about having a respectful, loving relationship with them, but that I also value having respectful, loving relationships in general. That is what sadness taught me.
Recognize and honor your own sadness. Acknowledge your child’s sadness without judgment or attempts to fix anything. Model allowing yourself to feel sad with your children present.
Experiencing a full range of feelings is the path to a rich life. You are your child’s guide to that richness.