Grief can be hard during holidays
Dear Annie: I recently lost my son, and Thanksgiving without him was very painful. I am writing to offer suggestions for how people might act, or what they should say, when interacting with one who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
I couldn’t help but feel a profound, overwhelming sadness and an unbearable pain as I prepared to have my first Thanksgiving without my son.
Chances are, you probably know someone who is struggling with the loss of a child or grandchild, and it is very painful trying to get through the holiday season.
Although it’s only been a mere seven months since I buried my son, I have learned that the art of using the right words helps to soothe the pain.
So, what do you say to someone who is mourning during the holidays? If your friends’ loss is recent, wishing them “happy holidays” — or happy anything — might come across as if you don’t realize (or care about) the permanence of their grief. On the other hand, saying nothing at all speaks a louder message of indifference than shouted words.
Like the scent of candles, grief remains in the air of the holidays even amid the beauty and joy of the season. Saying something is better than saying nothing. Here are ways to tell your friends you’re thinking of them and are aware of their grief during the holidays:
“I’m thinking of you. I know this is your first Thanksgiving without Sam.”
“I’m keeping you and your family in my thoughts this first Hanukkah after Sam’s death. I realize you’re still adjusting to Sam’s absence.”
“Will you join us for Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s, etc.? We realize you might not want to sit alone.”
“I know the holidays will be hard on you and your family without Sam here with you.”
“May I come visit with you during this holiday?”
“I’d love to hear stories about Sam.”
Well-thought-out words can soothe wounded hearts. Notice I said “soothe” and not “heal”? You can’t “fix” anyone’s grief, but you can offer consoling support that doesn’t deepen the pain. When talking about the holidays with the newly bereaved, be thoughtful and deliberate in choice of words:
Plan to commemorate instead of celebrate.
Invite grieving friends to a gathering rather than a party.
Acknowledge awareness of your friends’ ongoing grief rather than assuming they should feel a certain way.
Avoid “at least” statements, which diminish the importance and impact of mourners’ losses.
Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers as we enter our first holiday season without Sam. God Bless All. — From a Grieving Father
Dear Grieving Father: I am so sorry for your loss, and I want to thank you for putting together these thoughtful suggestions for other people who have friends who are in mourning.
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