Partners should work to make it Valentine’s Day every day

Valentine’s Day celebrates romantic love and the deliciousness of the feelings of being in love. Neuroscience informs us our brain in love is flooded with chemicals that ignite our reward circuitry to feel intense pleasure. We are, literally, high on being in love. We are filled with a sense of wonder and awe at our good fortune to have found our true love.

In this initial stage when our brain looks similar to a brain on drugs, we are attentive listeners, eager sex partners, speak in endearing terms and cannot wait to be with one another. It is a heady time with an incredible high, and life seems magical and full of possibilities.

Inevitably, this stage wanes, usually within 18 months, when the rush of chemicals begins to subside as the comfort and familiarity of being together offers new opportunities to deepen connection. It is easy to feel we have fallen out of love. This is also the stage where your ability to think through long-term compatibility gets stronger and questions arise.

We all miss our love-drug brains and the feelings we experienced in the initial stage of the relationship. Valentine’s Day can rekindle these intense feelings, heightened by the sensory inputs of food, gifts, romance and chocolate.

Keeping love and passion alive in a longterm relationship takes daily tending. It requires us to be ever mindful of our impact on our beloved. It is easy to get complacent, even lazy, in a long-term relationship, giving it minimal effort. Taking our bond for granted, we put it low on the list of things to attend to rather than at the top. Creating a thriving relationship takes effort, attention, commitment, communication, humor, understanding, tolerance and acceptance.

We need to be careful, meaning full of care, take risks and be vulnerable. It is the forward lean of speaking your mind while being mindful of how you say it.

Happy couples argue, but they know how to argue fairly and make quick repairs when they have been human and injured one another in the process. It is inevitable that you will disappoint and fail your partner in a myriad of ways over the course of years together.

Blame leads nowhere, and, to quote the wisdom of 12-step programs, “if you point the finger at someone else, you have three pointing back at yourself.” It is your job to listen with non-defensive ears and your partners’ to tell you, leaving criticism and contempt out of the conversation. Most of us have never been taught relationship skills, but they can be learned, and don’t hesitate to get help if your relationship is faltering.

I often wonder what it would be like if we made every day Valentine’s Day by making the effort to make our partner feel special. Not by buying presents or sending flowers every day, but by taking time to really listen. To act as if what they are telling you is the most important thing to you in that moment. In this day of multitasking and multiple distractions, take the time to unplug from technology and look one another in the eyes and listen.

Remember that you chose one another, and demonstrate your gratitude for that choice with physical affection, words of appreciation and compliments.

See your partner through the lens of the wonder you first felt and make every day Valentine’s Day by your remembering that love is a verb.

Carol MacHendrie, LCSW, is a therapist in Santa Fe.