Pause to temper a strong reaction
I woke up in a funk one day last week. The weight of the world was evident in the way I carried myself, and friends were able to sense my bad mood through a few short text exchanges.
There was no one thing — just a confluence of misunderstandings, disappointments and a bad cold.
It’s not always pearls and “pinkies up” for the etiquette expert who sells good manners for a living. I am human, make mistakes and curse in front of my children.
The lesson I learned was to pause. While I could not easily change the circumstances in the moment, I could reexamine my reactions. If my negative tone was evident to friends, was it seeping through in my professional communications and with other associates?
It is possible to question challenging situations in a polished and calm manner that elicits a similar response. Rather than going out guns blazing, count to 10 and reframe the situation.
One of the lows last week was I had lost a contract to a competitor. It was a shocking reveal when I followed up, via email, with a potential client about dates for a workshop. She responded by telling me she was sorry and had gone with another outfit. I was livid.
We had been corresponding since October, when she reached out to me for my services. I had spent hours on sourcing vendors and solving catering challenges for a part of the state that was miles from nowhere and four hours from me before a contract was signed or a deposit made. It felt personal, and I was hurt.
Before I replied to her email, I took a moment to calm down and assess what I wanted to know: Who was the competitor and why had I lost out to them? And how could I phrase this in a nonaggressive manner when I’d had quite a shock? I went with this angle:
“Thank you for the reply and your honesty. May I ask what company you are going with? And how were they able to solve the catering challenges? That would be helpful for me to know so I can make referrals in the future when distance prohibits me from taking on a client. I’d love to support a fellow instructor.”
Her reply was revealing. The competitor had offered a solution that I had also offered. Except mine was buried in our 45 emails and had clearly been overlooked. By sending a calm, fact-finding email, I was able to gain valuable insight to where I had gone wrong, which was not picking up the phone. I had not followed the rules that I preach.
Never underestimate the clarity and persuasiveness of the human voice.
In another email glitch last week, an acquaintance was aggravated when a vendor would not reply about an upcoming event just days away. She copied me on an email with an abrasive tone about how many times she had reached out. Trying to find a reason for this missing vendor, I was able to ascertain that the email address was wrong. It was user error, and the only person to lose patience with was the user.
Again, a telephone call may have been the efficient way to go.
When a relative reached out to me recently about editing her wedding invitation, I jumped at the chance. When I opened up her email, I saw she had made the invitation herself and there were multiple font styles and sizes. My eye did not know where to go. I have “detail radar,” which can be overwhelming for people.
My initial reaction was to tell her to “do this” and “do that,” but then I remembered this is her wedding day, her vision and her creation on paper. It’s important when giving feedback not to crush people’s dreams in the process. I paused and edited myself.
First, always start with a positive. I complimented her on the illustrations and carefully asked, “Have you considered this?” or, “I wonder what it might look like if you try that.” Another opener is, “In my experience, I’ve found it helpful to …”
There’s a place for softness and politesse, and a time to be blunt and firm. But I’ve found starting with the former opens the door to more dialogue no matter the content.
After an early morning, two-school drop-off of my children, I thought about the day ahead full of tasks and what to write about in my etiquette column. While at the stoplight behind a sedan, I was greeted with a bumper sticker that read, “Make America Gracious Again.” The universe had spoken to me. My week of woe and response to it had been distilled into one word.
To be gracious is to be kind, courteous and tactful. To curse in front of your kids is to be human. When it comes to being reactionary, may we all find the balance before pressing “send.”