Boys do cry: Support healthy masculinities

Recently, my 14-year-old son and I were struggling over the use of his cellphone. We were not communicating well. He began to cry. After a few moments of pressing him to tell me why he was so upset, he responded with, “Mom, just let me express my feelings! I am sad. I do not have to know why. I can just be sad.”

His comments stopped me in my tracks. As a leader of NewMexicoWomen.Org, the statewide women’s fund focused on gender justice and healing, I aspire to impart my children with intersectional feminist and anti-racist values at every opportunity. Given the extent to which patriarchy and white supremacy are baked into our institutions, social norms and cultural narratives, this is a tall order.

When it comes to raising boys (and, in my case, a white boy), protecting their emotional health in a culture of ubiquitous toxic masculinity, while simultaneously educating them about their privilege, requires a parting of the waters. From “manning up” to “boys don’t cry,” damaging messages of masculinity abound. This kind of conditioning hurts men and boys. It also underpins much of the gender-based violence and harm experienced by women and girls, as well as transgender and gender nonconforming folks.

Violence perpetrated by men remains at epidemic rates, with 1 in 3 women experiencing some form of intimate partner, sexual or physical violence. These rates are higher for women of color, Indigenous and transgender folks. Conditioned to remain in the proverbial “Man Box,” men and boys are taught to repress their emotions and discouraged from crying.

We know there are many health benefits to crying. Having to deny this natural and healthy form of human expression puts them at higher risk for issues such as heart disease and suicide. In New Mexico, which had the highest national suicide rate in 2018, three-quarters of those who committed suicide were male. Unhealthy or toxic masculinity harms us all and is a root cause of violence on a larger scale, from devastating wars to school shootings and police brutality.

Needless to say, we have a crisis of masculinity. As part of the New Mexico Healthy Masculinities Collaborative, a statewide effort focusing on these issues, we have recently launched the New Mexico Healthy Masculinities Toolkit. This free resource is designed to educate people about masculinities through a variety of activities that promote self-awareness, healthy relationships and thriving communities.

As a women’s fund, investing in healthy masculinity, while keeping women and girls at the center of our work, is a critical strategy toward gender equity. As Lee Roper-Batker, former CEO of the Women’s Foundation of Minnesota and current board member of A Call to Men, reminds us, “We cannot create the world we want to live in if we are indicting men instead of inviting them to be part of the solution.”

The toolkit is meant to help everyone learn about and unpack healthy and unhealthy masculinities. The world we are creating is one where all self-identified boys who are learning what it means to be an adult, my son included, are validated for their feelings and applauded for expressing them. A world where all men and boys can cry openly, be vulnerable and nurturing, and where connection, emotional awareness and compassion replace harmful and toxic patterns of masculinity for generations to come.

Find out more about our healthy masculinities work and download the New Mexico Healthy Masculinities Toolkit at masculinitiesnm.org.