Life hacks for children of divorce

Disclaimer: The following guide for children of divorce is meant to be darkly humorous and taken with a grain of salt.

Being raised by divorced parents can make life a little harder: constantly packing and having to lug all your stuff back and forth between houses, trying to understand how the two things that make you up are not compatible and what that makes you.

That said, it’s probably way easier than dealing with parents that should be divorced and aren’t, and I’m glad the stigma around it is shrinking.

The benefits of being a child of divorce extend well beyond just the classic “two Christmases” scheme that can result in double presents. For every kid balancing the holidays between two homes, here are some reminders around the perks to being a child of divorce.

No homework? No problem.

If you show up to school without your assignment on the due date, simply explain that the homework is completed, but you left it at your mom’s and you’re at your dad’s right now. Tell your teacher how the going back-and-forth is just so confusing and overwhelming that sometimes school supplies get left behind. Usually you can squeeze a one- or two-day extension out of this.

Note: If your teacher is a fellow child of divorce, they will catch on immediately. But, if your teacher is a divorced parent, you can exploit their guilt surrounding their own child, and they might be even more lenient.

Using your parents’ predisposition to disagree with each other in order to make them agree with you. (Use sparingly.)

Your parents will likely feel the urge to one-up the other — and there’s no reason for you not to benefit from the competition.

Here’s the script:

You: Hey (parent No. 1), (parent No. 2) says I have to/ can’t do XYZ thing.

Parent No. 1: In order to show you that I love you more than your other parent, I decree you don’t have to do/can absolutely have XYZ thing.

Now you turn around and repeat:

You: Hey (Parent No. 2), (Parent No. 1) says I have to/ can’t do XYZ thing.

Parent No. 2: My child has come to me, their savior, of course you don’t have to/can.

Then, you can count on them probably not fact-checking with each other.

You can also say you already have the desired thing, often for situations like grocery preferences, at the other parent’s house to make wants seem more normal or routine.

Faster friendships with other children of divorce.

Would I lie? Yes, obviously. But to you? Never. I am bound by the moral code of journalistic integrity. It’s worth a shot to try making friends with other children of divorce. You’ll have had similar formative life experiences, which leads to similar senses of humor and more relatable conversations.

You’ll be exposed to therapy sooner.

On a more genuine note, parents getting divorced means they’re acknowledging a problem in the home. If your parents are divorced, recently divorced, getting divorced, etc., and they have yet to breach the subject of counseling, you should consider bringing it up.