New Year’s resolutions: Let go and take it slow

Reflections and goals inform our resolutions at the start of the new year. The past few years have been defined by the pandemic, a common thread that, like climate change, binds us to every reach of the planet. There is no one place or culture that has not felt the effects and limitations of COVID-19.

This year is no different in that we accept the illness is likely to throw a wrench, or more, in our social, academic and professional lives. Some of us are likely to throw caution to the wind and get on with it casually, while the rest of us remain guarded but move forward, for as we know too well, time is a force we have no control over.

I move my attention to what I do have control over and what I want to let go of.

On a personal level, I look at my house and the explosion of toys and activities spread like butter on toast across every square foot my family inhabits. I rarely invite people over unless I first spend hours tidying the space.

It is a daily gripe that consumes me, no matter how many labeled bins or chore charts I provide. I now want to let go of the time and emotion spent trying to correct something that, perhaps, doesn’t need correcting. I have come to accept that my children are of a certain age and this, too, shall pass. I might even miss this stage.

Over the winter break, my son constructed a fort in my mother’s living room, a more formal space that is not conducive to child’s play on this scale.

But I gave myself permission to simply watch with acceptance. The scene of tiny passages, with pillows and blankets spread around like a warm nest, illustrated a feat of engineering and wonder. This wasn’t a mess — it was my son’s imagination at work, a childhood feeling to be tapped into decades later, when it may inspire the creativity to build something great.

Another goal I have this year is reframing the status quo. Sometimes “nothing new” is actually a gift, the beauty of consistency. In a recent column, I wrote about a visit to California to see my sister-in-law, who has Alzheimer’s disease. Almost a decade into her diagnosis and now in her early 60s, she showed little change since my last visit. I was relieved.

People’s patience has been waning thin this year, something that has been most evident to me in my interactions with the elders in my life. In my own etiquette teachings, I tell clients to always start conversations with a positive topic or give a compliment as an icebreaker before moving on to a heavier subject.

Being kind and showing it by highlighting people’s gifts, rather than giving attention to what we might perceive as a flaw or setback, is an important goal of mine.

Empathy is always a good idea. I sometimes question or find it hard to relate to the home life of my various elders. But spending a few days visiting and assisting with the chores enables me to find my rhythm in the chaos.

My daily practice in etiquette is typically for the benefit of others, but one of my goals this year is to also turn it toward myself with less self-sacrificing and more self-care. As parents and caregivers, we have to constantly remind ourselves of the airplane analogy: Put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.

The past few years have been trying for many, and the past six months particularly so in my family after some significant loss.

While resolutions aren’t one-size-fitsall, they typically have a theme of ambition and self-improvement. Those are good places to operate from as long as one recognizes when gentle discipline and slow and steady win the race.

Etiquette is the awareness of and response to people and place. The beauty of New Year’s resolutions is that they are all about self-awareness. May yours bring feelings of warmth and kindness upon you and ripple out to those in your circle.

When you slip into challenging circumstances, may you find wonder in the mess. Happy new year.