Grandma ready to shut free day care, get her life back
Question: When my daughter became pregnant in 2019, I told her that I would watch the baby weekdays until she was able to go to day care, thinking it would be maybe two years. Then 2020 and the pandemic hit.
Fast-forward to 2023 and I’m still watching the now 4-year-old weekdays and living in a home we purchased in 2019 where my daughter lives. My husband resides 1½ hours away in our house. He’s been very patient and understanding about our long-distance relationship, but I’ve grown weary of keeping two houses, the distance and the financial cost. I am not paid for the child care I am providing.
I’m almost 70 and my husband is 77. We’re ready to spend the rest of our time traveling and enjoying each other. However, whenever I talk about selling the Indiana property and moving back in with my husband, I get fierce resistance from my daughter. She’s concerned about how attached my granddaughter is and how they will cope without my help.
I just want to get back to my life. How can I make a smooth transition without all the drama and hurt feelings?
— The Best Gigi Ever
Answer: First of all, you sound like a saint. You deserve nothing but endless appreciation for the sacrifices you have already made to support your daughter and her baby.
After dedicating the last four years to prioritizing their needs while putting your life on hold, it is wonderful to know you are finally ready to prioritize your own. This doesn’t make you a bad grandmother or mother — it makes you a whole person who has every right to make decisions that are in your own best interest.
With as much selfless love as you’ve shown your daughter, you would hope that she would reciprocate by honoring your wishes for your own life. Instead, she has become reliant upon you making choices that benefit her even if they are to your detriment. That isn’t love, it’s codependency.
It also sounds like your daughter may be in survival mode, as many moms are, especially if she is a single parent.
I didn’t see any mention of the child’s father. Is he or another partner in the picture? If not, it is very possible that right now she only has the capacity to process her and her child’s needs. So, who is thinking about yours, if not you?
As easy as it is to blame your daughter for her selfish reaction, you have also played a role in creating this dynamic. I think it’s important to call attention to that pattern of ignoring your needs and lacking boundaries so that you can consciously and lovingly break it, now and into the future.
Just because you’ve never asserted boundaries with her before doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to them now. You know the saying, “Sometimes you have to train people on how to treat you”? It applies to parenting grown kids, too.
It may be uncomfortable to assert yourself knowing the impact it will have on your daughter, but you can shift into a new role in her life without stepping out of character to do so.
When your daughter puts up “fierce resistance,” rather than engaging in an aggressive debate or playing the role of the savior by coming to her rescue, you can pivot to uplifting her to become the hero of her own story. Imagine yourself taking off your cape and putting it on your daughter. Remind her how equipped she is for this new challenge with statements that reinforce your belief in her ability to do hard things.
“I have been so proud to watch you grow as a mom.”
“I know you can do this.”
As her mother, you can help her see herself as capable and strong by first modeling that you see her that way. You can also offer to help support her as she navigates finding child care support.
When my mom spent three months with us during my transition into motherhood, she was very clear with me upfront, saying often: “I’ve already raised my kids. I’m not raising yours, too.”
I still cried like a baby when she left us, but I had to accept the boundary she set. She shared her “end date” early, which gave us time to prepare for the new normal. She also booked her next visit before leaving as a helpful reminder that she wouldn’t be gone forever.
I think this is especially important to reiterate, especially in response to your daughter’s concern about your granddaughter’s bond with you.
The message you are sending to her may be painful and she may continue to protest your decision, but it is ultimately your decision — not hers.
You are not just her mother, you are an autonomous human being with your own life to live and desires that deserve to be fulfilled. If she cannot support you in making choices that are healthy for you, that is her mistake. But her unhealthy expectations of you are hers to own. Just like your life choices are yours to make.
I cannot promise that your decisions won’t elicit a dramatic reaction or feel hurtful for your daughter. You simply can’t control her response to you resetting your role in her family. But you can be loving and gentle in the process — with her and with yourself.
Elaine Welteroth writes the Ask Elaine advice column for The Washington Post. She is an award-winning journalist, a TV host, the former editor in chief of Teen Vogue and an author.