Guiding your children to befriend themselves
The foundational practice that Rick Hanson provides in his book Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time, is “Be for yourself.”
This doesn’t mean you are against others. Being for yourself and being for others — as well as being for the greater good — are not dualistic opposites. They beautifully dovetail as synergizing practices.
Being for yourself is befriending yourself. You treat yourself as you would a treasured friend. You speak to yourself compassionately, and you advise yourself as you would a friend. It means that you are discerning about what is in your best interest.
Many of us were raised to believe that being for oneself, practicing self-advocacy and even saying no are selfish.
Being for yourself can be a challenging practice if you believe the requests of others are more valuable or important or worthy than what you desire.
Beliefs about how you count in the world influence how easy or difficult befriending yourself may be.
Guiding your children to be for themselves has many benefits, including building their self-worth and confidence, enhancing their self-compassion, and building their empathy and self-awareness.
How do you effectively guide your children in this practice? Here are some ways that will not only benefit them but you as well:
Allow your child to say no. When saying no is an option, your child gets to practice making decisions. If it is
not an option, you child will say no by procrastinating, by not doing their best and by doing what you requested with resentment. Teach them to pause. By slowing down so that you can consciously and thoughtfully consider a request or decision, you have the time and space to notice your nervous system, your body and your feelings. Unless it is an emergency, most requests made of you do not require an immediate response. Suggest that your child pause before deciding or responding. Allow them to see you practice the pause.
Guide them to find the purpose. Whatever the decision that is made, knowing your purpose in moving forward will guide you to act in integrity. Your purpose may be to live from your values, express love or shape your future self, knowing that you become the small things that you consistently do each day. Explore with your child the long-term result of their decision and what they ultimately wish to support.
Let’s put this all together with an example. Your mom asks if you can pick up something at the store for her. You feel tired and you are busy, so you consider saying no to the request. Instead of responding immediately, you take a pause to notice your body, your thoughts, your feelings and your nervous system.
During that pause, you breathe, allowing your shoulders to relax. You notice your nervous system has been hijacked by your thoughts that are pressuring you to hurry up. You either tell yourself that you have enough time to get all that you are doing done, or you see you have taken on too much and remove a few things from your list to give you greater flexibility and lessen the stress.
You also consider the purpose in responding to the request. You value kindness and consideration.
You also know that acting in support of those values is not always convenient.
You recognize it is an opportunity to do something loving for your mother. You decide to say yes. Because you are acting from your values, you are being for yourself.
You may also notice how truly overwhelmed you feel. You are bone tired. You decide to say no. You may call upon someone else to run the errand for your mother, let her know that you are willing to do it another time or simply let her know you can’t do that right now. Because you wish to honor your well-being, you are being for yourself.
You have just modeled for your child how to be for themself, and you have just experienced the self-supporting integrity of being for yourself. May this practice be a guide throughout the new year!
Maggie Macaulay is the owner of Whole Hearted Parenting, offering coaching, courses and workshops. She can be contacted at 954-483-8021 or Maggie@ WholeHeartedParenting.com.