Healing is required on both sides
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have five adopted children through foster care. We have gone through a lot of tough situations with the children during the last six years, which put a lot of pressure on our marriage,. During that time, my husband lashed out at me frequently. He has said many times that he resents me because of the kids, although he was always in agreement with what we were doing.
We’ve gone through four therapists because he always quits when he hears what he doesn’t want to hear. He even got to the point where he would only want to have sex with me without a kiss or hug or anything. Since we’ve begun to turn a corner on the troubles, he has said he is sorry many times and has been really working to get back to his old self and break habits.
The problem is, for self-preservation, I shut him out a long time ago, and now I’m struggling to feel any type of emotional or physical connection to him. I hung in there through all the abuse, thinking he would turn it around, but now that he has, I don’t even care. Do I just need to give it more time or is this change in him just too little too late?
— Too Late
Dear Too Late: What you need to do is give yourself more time to heal. Be compassionate with your reactions to your husband. You are mad, and it is understandable that you shut him out. Whenever people are enduring any type of abuse, they go into protection mode. It sounds like you are still, understandably, in protection mode. The best way to determine if you want to stay in your marriage is to do work on yourself. I would suggest that you seek the help of a trained somatic therapist. After you work with your therapist, then you can make a better decision about your husband.
Dear Annie: I’m responding to “Feeling Sad,” the woman who moved up north away from a man she’d been with for seven years. A great deal of her story was like mine.
I had a stillborn baby and he cheated because “I wasn’t any fun.” The neglect, no backup, dismissals, all matched mine. I spent 30 years with him because I couldn’t figure out how to find the exit.
Now I am 70 and can give feedback in hindsight. My huge regret is the time I gave to him. The time I cannot get back. Forgiving myself for that is my current challenge.
He is not more important than you are. Your 40s are a wonderful time to start over. You have already left. Have the courage to stay up north and build a new life.
— Never Look Back
Dear Never Look Back: Thank you for sharing your letter. I’m sorry for the loss of your baby and that you didn’t have a partner who was kind and empathetic to you.