Haunted by sudden death in family
Dear Annie: Our granddaughter had been on drugs for several years. She had been in and out of jail and rehabs. She had two children, ages 1 and 2. She basically abandoned them, so we all decided tough love and prayer were the answer.
She was found by the side of the road where someone dumped her, dead or dying from a drug overdose. Now we all feel guilty that we should have done something other than the tough love approach. She was only 23 years old.
What should we have done?
— Heartbroken Grandpa
Dear Heartbroken: I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your granddaughter. Death is always painful, but it’s especially devastating given how young she was.
You and your family are not the first to hope a tough love approach would be the answer, but addiction is a cruel beast, and your granddaughter was so much more than hers.
It’s easy following tragedy to think of all the things you wish you’d done differently but you must remember, in that moment of time, you did what you thought was best. What happened to her is not your fault.
Focus on grieving and honoring her memory, coming together with your loved ones to cherish the light and beauty she brought to this world and to your family.
Dear Annie: The letter from “Caregiver Not Good Enough,” who is the sole caretaker for her partner with dementia and other serious health problems, really resonated with me because I’m a nurse who sees it all the time with my patients.
Dementia tends to isolate both the person who has it and the caregiver. It can occur slowly over the years as friends and family drift away, or sometimes they were never there to begin with.
Unfortunately, in this country, we do not do a very good job of taking care of our elders. Government funding for respite care is hard to come by for anyone except extremely low-income folks, and there is a long wait even when you qualify. Paying for caregivers is costly and outside the realm of possibility for many.
This caregiver is clearly suffering from depression. I’d highly recommend she start by talking to her primary care physician. Other suggestions would be to reach out to a local place of worship, which can be a great source of support. Most cities have a senior center, and I know mine has a support group that meets in person for spouses of people with Alzheimer’s and dementia. I wish her all the best.
— Nursing Knowledge
Dear Nursing Knowledge: Thank you for your response and recommendations. Other readers agreed with you that “Caregiver” was clearly depressed herself and could benefit from medical care.