The teen years: A time for self-compassion
Much has been written about what parents can do to navigate the challenges of the teen years.
How do you prevent power struggles with those who are actively exploring their own power?
How do you communicate with a new being who has aged into the double digits and has suddenly acquired the skills of a practicing attorney?
How do you inspire responsibility while wading through the socks, papers and books that have created a creeping ground cover in their bedroom?
Those are all good skills to acquire, and this is not a “how to.” This is about what sources of relief are available to parents so the teen years are less fraught and more flexible.
Our perception of time has a big influence on how we respond to the chaos and changes of these years. It may not feel like time is on your side as much as Mick Jagger claims. The conflicts, tension and upsets can feel endless. You may feel like shutting down or blowing up.
Juxtaposed to the seeming endlessness of the teen years, time may also seem scarce — time for yourself, time to refresh and recharge, time with your spouse or partner, time to engage in fulfilling things that don’t fall under the category of “chores.” Time that simply flows.
Your perception of time influences your nervous system and your well-being. This affects how you traverse the teen years.
Becky Bailey cited what she called “not enough” thinking — thoughts such as, “I don’t have enough time” — as trigger thoughts. They lead to stress. Your nervous system leaps from a state of safety and connection into one of activation to protect you from the threat.
The rolling eyes of teenage children might appear as threats to your well-being.
When taxing circumstances appear endless and unrelenting, our nervous system moves into a state of shutdown.
In her book Anchored, Deb Dana describes it as feeling disconnected. We have “the sense of going through the motions of life without really caring. We escape into not knowing, not feeling, and a sense of not being.”
Here is where practicing self-compassion can offer relief from both states — activation and shutdown.
The three components of self-compassion — mindfulness, noticing the common humanity and self-kindness — can ease the grip of time and soothe your nervous system.
Being mindful requires slowing down so you can tune into what is happening within you. Tune into your body, asking what you need in this moment. Then listen.
If you need rest, take a break. Rest is not normalized in our culture and often is improperly labeled as “lazy” or “weak;” however, it is a much-needed balm for your well-being.
The attachment to work, getting things done and ceaselessly doing until you drop is a kind of mindlessness. Consider rest to be the natural preparation for being at your best.
Your body may request physical activity. Allow yourself the time to walk, run, swim, go to Pilates, attend yoga.
You may be mindful of having frenetic thoughts. Honor yourself by giving yourself the time to slow them down. If your thoughts are harsh, practice speaking to yourself with greater kindness.
You may notice feelings surfacing. Slow down and feel them.
Create a mantra that you can say to yourself in those moments of activation or shutdown, each part reflecting a component of self-compassion. You can pattern yours after this example:
I recognize that I feel overwhelmed, furious, shut down. (This is practicing mindfulness.)
I am not alone in this — all parents of teens experience this at some time. (This is noticing the common humanity.)
I allow myself the space and time to find relief. (This is practicing speaking to yourself kindly.)
Along with the valuable things that you learn about navigating the teen years, practice compassion for yourself. Self-compassion can provide you with the buoyancy to fluidly ride those waves during this sea change.