Apart, but still one family
It’s been a week since my grandkids have been sheltering at home. We continue, as always, to send videos, pictures and texts, but since the president has declared a national emergency, the novel virus has infiltrated every aspect of everyday life. We’re fighting two wars. One to stamp out Covid-19 and the other to save the economy. Within those two arenas, there are all kinds of challenges for families now sheltering at home. FaceTiming and calling loved ones and doing business remotely takes on a whole new meaning
As social beings, connection is a high commodity right now, and everyone is feeling it, particularly families with shared custody arrangements.
Instead of thinking of it as social distancing, we think of it as what it really is: physical distancing.
It helps when we can keep a sense of gratitude and humor for parents with kids at home whose worlds have been turned upside down and inside out. At the same time, families might be a little on edge because of new arrangements, and it’s OK to lose your patience now and then with a houseful of children 24/7.
Just remember to apologize when that happens, a lesson in itself — that even parents can lose their cool, and when that happens we can teach our kids by modeling that we own our actions and move forward.
But it’s not easy when there’s a pandemic — did I just write ‘pandemic?!’ — bearing down on the entire world.
It’s surreal. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever known. Our kids will be talking about it for a long time to come. It will define them. How parents handle the situation will help to shape how kids do.
Meanwhile, I try to remain concerned, yet calm, as I see the list of cancellations exponentially grow. If each thing we do and each place we visit or patronize is represented by a single domino, life’s suddenly a snaking line of billions of dominoes whose head the virus tapped with a single droplet.
Classrooms traded for distance learning.
Sports and activities interrupted.
Weddings postponed.. Vacations canceled. Dine-in restaurants, hair and nail salons, gyms all closing their doors, a bold move we hope will blunt the curve as the CDC and commercial labs work around the clock to come up with treatments by summer and a vaccine by this time next year if all goes well.
And in the midst of this great interruption, families who share custody are charged with new ways of staying on balance while keeping family members safe and happy.
My daughter’s working from home. She’s one of the lucky ones.
Many are being laid off because their jobs can only be done interfacing with the public.
This morning, she’s playing a game of Life with her boys, ages 6 and 10. At the beginning of the week, she created a schedule for everyone to keep learning and moving, with time to do things together, like getting outside for fresh air or cooking meals. She set up a study area in the kitchen with a card table, books, board games and art supplies in front of the world map, sliding the dining-room table into the bay window to make room and set a positive and productive tone.
They watched the debate the other night together as a family, and the boys took notes. Robert presented a report on former Vice President Joe Biden and is working on Bernie Sanders. Of course, the kids are allowed to play video games with their cousin, Collin, and their friends, when it’s appropriate.
But the current situation — with every state in the union dealing with how best to dole out tests while reaching out to the federal government for aid, in many cases states postponing primaries or even canceling them — is life-changing as families are advised only to go out for gas, food and medicine when necessary, to call a health provider before going to a clinic or hospital, and to hunker down at home for the time being to help “flatten the curve” everyone is talking about.
It is completely uncharted territory, and the added dimension of parents sharing custody safely adds to the challenge.
Luckily, my daughter and her ex-husband can communicate reasonably while they navigate a pandemic that has turned the whole world on its ear. He called this morning: Someone at work is being tested for Covid-19. Together they agree to forgo today’s swap, to watch carefully as the situation evolves and take the necessary precautions. They talk as one family as our grandsons eat breakfast, allaying their boys’ concerns over catching the virus and giving it to someone they love, like a grandparent or an uncle with asthma. They talk about continuing the good practice of hand-washing and keeping the household clean, even as an Amazon truck makes a delivery and the box is left outside, our daughter carefully wiping down its plastic packaging and leaving the cardboard box outside the house. The boys wave from the window. Afterwards, she washes her hands.
She and our ex-son-in-law are keeping their sons safe and making responsible adjustments. Before they hang up, they plan to make a family “digital dinner” the following night.
“We all just need to be really smart,” says our daughter, adding, “I’m so happy that we both agree it’s only temporary and that putting our kids and families first is the most important thing for us all.”
For now, they’re sitting tight and getting creative, like planning how else to spend time together remotely. After all, it is temporary — and it really helps when both mom and dad can be flexible enough to honor while putting divorce agreement schedules temporarily aside until quarantines are lifted so that everyone can be as safe and sound as possible.
“We all need to be careful,” says our daughter, who struggled to find the best way to avoid interrupting the boys’ time spent with their dad. “I understand he has to miss their visit, but we agreed this is the safest and smartest thing to do right now.”
And our grandsons get to make dinner with their dad and their mom tomorrow night. As good as it gets.
Bonnie J. Toomey teaches at Plymouth State University, writes about writing, learning and life in the 21st century. You can follow Parent Forward on Twitter at https://twitter.com/bonniejtoomey. Learn more at www.parentforward.blogspot.co m or visit bonniejtoomey.com.