When parents expect kids to pitch in
When parents expect kids to pitch in, the possibilities are abound.
A friend thought it might be too much to ask his teen to help out with a project he was working on. Some parents don’t expect kids to pitch in because they worry school commitments and extracurricular activities are enough. This may be true for a handful of children, but most kids can handle and will actually benefit when given these extra opportunities.
The well-intended hesitation on a parent’s part to ask a child to help with a small job at home or elsewhere is understandable, but it also might be a missed opportunity for a child.
It seems counterintuitive, as we live in a time that prizes safety and shies from even the smallest possible risk, which when taken can yield beneficial for kids. Parents might gauge their attitudes by these questions:
Do I believe and demonstrate through my own actions that my child is capable of doing things on their own and helping out as a family member?
What responsibilities other than school and after-school activities does my child have at home?
When my husband Steve and I were raising our four kids we had a hunch that giving them opportunities to take on new tasks and therefore gain responsibility would indeed edify them. This was the spirit in which we grew up and it served us well as we pursued our careers and became parents.
As parents, and now as grandparents, our experience has shown that as a child grows they can and even want to take on more responsibility. It’s natural. And when this innate willingness based on curiosity and a need to participate is encouraged from a young age, it’s an easier path for children as they grow into teens. These opportunities are like bridge abutments which help anchor the span from childhood to adulthood. And even when jobs are dirty or difficult or tedious, taking them on can be an asset to a child’s growth and development.
Now I can hear the parents who may’ve grown up in a culture of over-protection where climbing trees are dangerous and hurt feelings are unacceptable. I’ve got news for these parents: the world is a rough and tumble place filled with real and marvelous things, like trees and disagreements. Once kids see this, they are better prepared and able to thrive and work toward their goals.
Yes, protecting kids from real harm is the job of a parent. And supervised, firsthand experience, can help kids to build character and esteem, and teach skill sets that kids only can get when given the chance to try new tasks you introduce them to.
More importantly, your vote of confidence that they are up to trying and capable of taking on new challenges speaks volumes. Failing or succeeding is not as key as the experience itself.
When our kids were teens we built a home. Steve being a general contractor gave the kids plenty of opportunities to participate in the process. In our view it was natural that they did. And there are many lessons that parents can teach. How to change a flat tire, bake bread, operate a lawn mower or plant a garden are things kids can know about even when they might appreciate them more later.
We expected our kids to do all kinds of things that they weren’t eager to do in the moment, but as adults they are grateful they did. Now they teach our grandkids.
Giving kids opportunities to take on more responsibility, is not as much a bother as it is a boon, for them and for you.
I can’t tell you how many times we heard our kids say, “You were right, mom and dad!” That’s a blessing because it prepared them for adulthood.
These experiences, which may include struggle or an element of risk fortify a child’s own esteem and they inform a child that their parents have faith that they will try and have some modicum of success, even if that is counted at first by the effort alone.
So, the next time you think inviting your child to help out by doing something which requires a hands-on and fully present mindset is a guilt trip for you or an imposition on your child, think again. Someday your child will thank you with arms wide and an open heart for believing in them and giving them the chance to take those wanted and needed steps to becoming an adult.