Must stop falling for my father-in-law
DEAR ANNIE >> Here’s my situation. In my last year of college, I met the most beautiful and intelligent girl I’ve even known. We instantly hit it off and began dating. We have so much in common and share the same values and goals for life. Because we were attending college out of state, we didn’t meet each other’s parents until graduation. All six of us got along well.
Fast-forward two very busy years deciding where to live, buying a house, getting married and landing two incredible highpaying jobs in our career field, we are now living “the dream.”
We settled down in my wife’s hometown and often see her parents on Sunday for dinner. Six months ago, we were at her parent’s home for Sunday dinner as usual. Her two younger siblings and their dates joined us. While we were eating, her father’s phone beeped with a particular sound indicating a message. This is one of those sounds where “if you know, you know.” When I heard it, I instantly knew, and he instantly went pale as a ghost when I looked at him. Nobody else even noticed this or stopped the wonderful conversation. Because I’m a very secretly closeted bisexual man with very limited experience with men, I recognized the beep from a particular gay hookup site I used a few times before meeting my wife. Since meeting my wife, I’ve not looked for men to hook up with ever.
Here’s where it gets complicated (and you can probably guess where this is going). A few days later, I saw her father at the hardware store. He invited me to go to a small coffeehouse to talk. He knew I recognized the beep that night and wanted to discuss it. Turns out that he is a very secretly closeted gay man. He and my motherin-law married very young due to a pregnancy, and he didn’t know himself very well sexually yet. He stays in the closet, plays it straight because he loves his family and career and wants to keep all of it for himself and for them. I understand this completely because I’m in the same boat. Neither one of us had ever suspected the other of having homosexual tendencies. We were both surprised by the other.
The following weekend, I went up to my father-in-law’s cabin with him alone, not unusual, but this time we made love. We both knew this might happen, and neither of us tried to stop it. We spent the weekend together and had the best time connecting while both feeling incredibly guilty about it. This new aspect of our relationship has continued for the last six months and, fortunately, nobody suspects anything, but it’s wearing me down. I know I can’t have my cake and eat it, too, but I don’t know how to “quit him,” as Jack Twist would say. Also, it doesn’t help that he’s a very handsome, fit and muscular man in his early 40s. He never lost his college athlete physique. Please advise how to stop this relationship.
— Guilty and Bewildered
DEAR GUILTY AND BEWILDERED >> You are right about one thing: This relationship must stop.
Sit down with your fatherin-law and agree on how and when to come clean to both your wives, ideally sooner rather than later. They will no doubt be devastated and blindsided by this news — and it will take immense courage on both your parts — but you have few alternatives. Your wife and MIL deserve complete honesty and transparency; you and your FIL also deserve to proudly be who you are without having to hide. Sweeping this under the rug, even if you’re able to, will only lead to continued guilt and unhappiness, in your marriages and with yourselves.