Beware of Blanket Thieves and Talking Stomachs

It has come to my attention that I am a blanket thief. It came to my attention because I woke recently in the middle of the night and thought to myself that we had a very comfortable vibrating bed. Then I remembered that we do not own a vibrating bed.

The vibrations were coming from my wife, who was shivering violently. She was shivering so violently that her feet were on the verge of being shaken free from their position in the small of my back. This is their normal sleeping position. I believe the normal sleeping position for most women’s feet is in the small of the back of their spouse. I do not understand this and the simple fact that women can so position themselves to plant their feet in the small of a person’s back while also stealing their pillow speaks of an elasticity that no man could ever hope to duplicate.

I threw the blankets back over my wife and she immediately curled them around her body to form a cocoon of warmth, all the while keeping her feet firmly planted in the small of my back.

I gave the blankets to her because I love her and don’t really use them for warmth, anyway. I curl them into a large, comfortable pillow to replace the one my wife has stolen from me. I would use my wife’s pillow, but my wife seems to believe her pillow belongs on the floor.

Had I been using the blankets as blankets instead of a pillow, the fact that I had stolen them would have been of no consequence, because when sleeping my wife forms her body so completely to mine that the blankets would cover us both anyway.

Of course, that only applies when we are sleeping on the bed together, because the way we sleep on the bed together is totally and completely different than how we sleep on the bed by ourselves.

When sleeping on the bed together my wife waits patiently while I try out one position or the other and finally settle into the same position that I sleep in every night, curled with my face to the outside of the bed, teetering precariously on the edge and at risk of falling off the bed entirely. Then she forms her body to mine, something like the face hugger in the Alien movies, but much more pleasant. Once we have melded into one sleepy mass, we fall asleep almost immediately. But that is not the case when sleeping in bed alone. When I have the bed to myself, I sleep in the center of the bed, spread eagle with both my pillow and my wife’s pillow under my head. I have observed that my wife sleeps in pretty much the same fashion when she has the bed to herself.

While I could speculate that the reason we sleep so closely together is because of our love for each other. The real reason, I suspect, has less to do with our love and more to do with the fact that our stomachs are sentient beings intent on the overthrow of our bodies.

It sounds innocent enough, sure, but I believe there is something sinister at work between our stomachs. I listen closely as my wife’s stomach makes a whispering demand of my stomach.

“Orrrmmm ahhhh errr errr grrrpp,” her stomach will say.

“Uhh grrshhh ahh,” my stomach will reply.

I try to convince myself it is simply the gurgling of two empty stomachs, but I have awakened to their alien dialogue far too often to believe their conversation so innocent. They are plotting something.

I have listened to them moan and gurgle long enough that I am beginning to unravel their language.

I believe their conversation revolves around the theft of a blanket.