Fun with online computer repair
I was busy checking my online sports page when my cellphone rang. The ringtone was “Who Can It Be Now?” (copyright Men At Work, 1981) so I knew it was most likely spam. Feeling adventurous, I answered using my fake 90-year-old-man voice, which, unfortunately, is not as fake as it used to be.
“Hello?” I rasped. A voice with a heavy Indian accent answered back.
“Sir, we are from SoAndSo Tech, and have detected that your PC is in immediate need of repair! We just need you to tap a few keys and we can get your computer in top working order again, all at no charge.”
I have a Mac, not a PC. I also know there is nothing wrong with it. But I decide to play along.
Me: “Oh my, thanks! What do I need to do?”
Tech: “Are you at your computer?”
Me: “No, it’s in the other room upstairs.”
Tech: “OK, you need to be at your computer.”
I make loud stomping sounds for the next 5 minutes.
Me: “OK, I’m in the room with the computer.”
Tech: “Sir I was worried about you, that took some time.”
Me: “Well, I ain’t young, and my arthritis is flaring up, you know. That’s the problem with you young people today, no sympathy for us old folks. Back in the day, I could work 18 hours a day with nary a complaint and …”
Tech: “Sir? Sir, I apologize. Can we fix your computer now? I need you to type a certain set of keys in sequence. The shift, Windows, and control keys.”
Me: “OK, which key is for the windows?”
Tech: “It’s the Windows key.” Me: “I don’t think any of the keys open the windows, and why do they need to be open? It’s too cold to open the windows.”
Tech: “No, Sir, not your house windows, it’s the key on your keyboard with the Windows icon. Type that and the shift and control keys all at once.”
Me: “You can what?” Tech: “Excuse me?”
Me: “You can what? You said ‘Windows I CAN’. What can you do to my windows?”
Tech: “No, Sir, please listen, I said “ICON”! This is all on your keyboard. It’s a key with a little flag on it. I need you to press it.”
Me: “Oh, OK, I see, that makes more sense. You know I just had new windows put in this house two years ago, makes a big difference in my electric bill. Should have done it years ago, I was telling the wife …”
Tech: “Sir? Sir, we really need to fix your computer now!”
Me: “Oh, right, OK. Wait, does the computer need to be on?”
Tech: (Long pause, with muttering). “Yes, sir, please turn it on.”
Me: “It takes awhile to get running, can I get some coffee while I wait?”
Tech: “Certainly, Sir.”
At this point, I just put the phone down and go let the dog outside. And get some coffee. Ten minutes later, I pick up the phone.
Me: “OK, got my coffee. Computer’s up now.”
Tech: (sounding exasperated) “Sir, computers don’t take that
long to boot up!”
Me: “Well, it took awhile to make the coffee.”
Tech: (rather loudly) “Sir, we need to fix your computer right now! Is it running now?”
Me: “Looks like it.” Tech: “OK, I need you to press that Windows key, the shift key, and the control key at the same time. That will allow us to get in and fix your computer.”
Me: “Hmm, you know, my old fingers can’t seem to reach all those keys at once; arthritis, you know. Can I hit them one at a time?”
Tech: “No, Sir, all three keys need to be pushed down at the same time. Otherwise, we can’t fix your computer.”
Me: “What if I get the wife to help? She can push down two of the keys while I push the other.”
Tech: “Certainly, Sir, that would work.”
Me: “OK, but she’s at the grocery store right now, can you call back in about 20 minutes or so?”
Tech: (Sighs, with muttering). “Sir, yes, I can call you back.”
I tell him that would be fine and hang up. Twenty minutes later, my phone rings.
Me: “Hello?” Again in my old man voice.
Tech: “Sir, is your wife there now so we can fix your computer?”
Me, in loud voice: “Who the heck is this and why do you want my wife?!? And what is she doing to my computer??!”
Tech: “Sir, I just talked to you 20 minutes ago! You wanted me to call you back to fix your Windows!”
Me: “There ain’t nothing wrong with my windows, buddy, I just had new ones put in about two years ago, made a big difference in my electric bill! Should have done it years ago, I was just telling the wife …”
Loud and creative cursing on other end of the line, followed by a click.
I go back to reading about the Cardinals beating the Dodgers, coffee in hand, my computer running just fine.