It’s Only My Opinion
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It will be hard for Y&R to top the reveal of Jack not being an Abbott in front of half the town at a movie screening. Daytime’s most outspoken columnist!
■ All parties on soaps should be BYOS: Bring Your Own Secrets.
■ You knew the minute Maggie offered to throw Rex and Sarah an engagement bash on DAYS that it would end in sadness and defeat. “This is awkward,” eye-rolled Bonnie when she and Mimi ran into the newly engaged duo outside Doug’s Place. Clueless Sarah invited Rex’s ex and her criminal mother to join the festivities, which did not go over well with her fiancé.
Rex: “Here’s the thing: Her mom is suing my brother for custody of their baby.”
Oh, that is awkward. Rex tried to put a good face on it with the hope that they could act like adults, a statement immediately disputed by his mother.
Kate (pointing to Mimi and Bonnie): “Why are they here?”
Maggie: “Sarah invited them to stay. She has a big heart.”
Kate: “Or little sense.”
Enter Chloe with an envelope full of DNA proof that Bonnie’s baby with Lucas was really Mimi’s baby with Rex (got that?). Accusations flew back and forth until Kate stepped in to explain. “Bonnie used the baby as a get-out-of-jail-free card,” she confirmed to a sobbing Lucas before turning her wrath on Bonnie: “Drunken sluts don’t make the best mothers.”
A free-for-all ensued until hostess Maggie slapped “bottom of the barrel” Bonnie, while a look of horror slowly spread across Rex’s face. Lucas: “The test matched my DNA. How is that possible?” Chloe: “Kayla said you must be related to the baby’s real father...”
Rex (stepping forward): “The baby is mine.”
Sorry, Sarah! Your intended had a one-night stand with his ex during a “rough patch” in your relationship and now they have a cute baby together.
And your engagement party is over.
Rex (to baby): “Hi, Bonnie.” Mimi: “Her name is Emily.”
Phew! Going through life with a name like Baby Bonnie would be rough, even in Salem. Imagine if Stefan O. Dimera was known as Baby Phoenix?
■ GH threw a rough Halloween bash where the surprise turned out to be a dead Mary Pat bobbing around with the apples. (BYOS: Bring Your Own Severed Head?)
Mac (to Scotty): “You don’t put a head in a barrel at a public event unless you’re dying for some publicity.”
Dying ... ha ha! Way to bring a party to a scary standstill.
That stunt had Ryan’s name all over it but still no one questioned “Kevin’s” odd behavior or separation from Laura or bad advice he’s giving “his” patients like telling Ava to get violent revenge on her own daughter Kiki. God bless little Spencer, who called Kevin a “bum” and put the kibosh on the election with his computer skills so Laura could compete in the runoff. Sorry, Ned — maybe they’ll age Leo into a nerdy tween so next time it’ll be a fair fight.
Other secrets roiling around Port Charles include: Nina’s daughter isn’t hers, Brad and Lucas’s baby isn’t theirs, and hopefully Nikolas isn’t dead. They’ve set the table for that perfectly with sweet Spencer and britchy Britt back in town, and Laura’s eyes filling up with tears every time her son’s name is mentioned. Bonus: Nik would vanquish Valentin from Wyndemere, which seems only right since the Cassadine villain did kill him.
Speaking of villains, any chance Nelle could turn out to be Nina’s daughter? That would join two big secrets in one bawdy bitch — do it at a party!
■ Things don’t bode well for Pam and Charlie holding their nuptials at the Forrester mansion on B&B. First Pam had a screaming fight with Quinn about wanting to replace Quinn’s portrait over the fireplace with that of her sister Stephanie (who also happens to be Eric’s late wife), and then she tried to take the portrait. That was met with a hard no from the lady of the house.
Quinn: “If somebody’s coming at me, I’m going to defend myself.”
Wyatt: “I think all Pam wants is a wedding...”
Teaming up with Donna wasn’t Pam’s best move either, since Quinn’s got her number, too. Pro tip for Donna: Don’t try to reminisce with Eric about him being your “Honey Bear” while holding a jar of actual honey in his house with his wife nearby.
Donna: “You were eavesdropping on Eric and me?”
Quinn: “You’re such a piece of work. I can’t understand what Eric saw in you. Here you are in our home...”
Donna: “The scheming exwife?”
Clearly. Despite almost every wedding in that house going spectacularly wrong, there’s Eric filling the champagne flutes and trying to convince Quinn to smile through Donna’s machinations while they host another one.
Eric: “The two of you may become great friends.”
Quinn: “Or not. I’m not going to ever understand what you saw in her. She’s so blonde. Yuck!”
■ It will be hard for Y&R to top the reveal of Jack not being an Abbott in front of half the town at a movie screening, but that said, don’t be surprised if J.T.’S body turns up in a red Santa suit during a Newman family Christmas party.
Victoria: “What if he’s somewhere close by?”
Like in the chimney? Phyllis was all about keeping her sex romp with Nick a secret until it came out while he was marrying Sharon (a classic BYOS wedding). Now she can’t spread the news fast enough.
Phyllis (to Billy): “I slept with Nick last night. Jack disapproves.”
That conversation happened in her office with both Billy and Jack, which frankly qualifies as a “party” on this show, along with Jabot board meetings, Abbott family breakfasts and gatherings around the hole in the ground where the coven of Nikki, Victoria, Phyllis and Sharon buried J.T.
Their motto? BYOS — Bring Your Own Stiff!
■ Hey. It’s only my opinion.