It’s Only My Opinion
Daytime’s most outspoken columnist!
■ The new year kicked off with a bang, with most soaps treating us to A-listers in sparkly gowns and letting the sparks fly.
■ GH pulled out all the stops with two lavish parties, the biggest at Wyndemere for Nina’s predictably shiny/creepy wedding to Valentin. Ava prepped by sipping martinis and taunting the other guests, so you knew she wasn’t going to be around to catch the bouquet. Laura (suspicious): “It’s not like you and Nina are the best of friends.”
Ava: “Water under the bridge. It’s toxic, flammable water and all the fish are dead but ...”
Jax: “If there are any fireworks tonight, I don’t want Nina hurt.”
Fireworks included Nina confirming Valentin was behind her fake daughter, Laura suspecting Nikolas was alive, and Martin luring Ava to the turret so Valentin could hurl her off.
Valentin: “You have been drinking heavily. It’s cold and icy. It would be a shame if you slipped.”
In case you missed the foreshadowing from Ava’s chirpy poem (“Happy is the bride the sun shines on/happy is the corpse the rain falls on”), the new year did indeed ring in with a bang. Well, not so much a bang as a splash when Ava and her sequins hit the water. Martin (to Nina during the ceremony): “Do you take this man...?”
Bang! In came Nikolas carrying Ava’s lifeless body, still in her sparkly dress. That’s how you throw a party.
The other bash featured the younger set mingling with Ned and Brook Lynn. I wish Tracy had joined them, but I did enjoy her drinking apple cider back at the Qs’ ....
Tracy: “You didn’t poison it, did you?”
Monica: “I didn’t have time.”
I think there’s something wrong with me that I enjoy Nelle gaslighting everyone about her baby that “died”. Nelle (to Willow, who doesn’t know it was her baby that died): “It almost would have been easier if he had been stillborn but he passed away in my arms.”
Willow: “I can imagine.”
Ouch. And what’s funnier than Nelle making a vision board in prison of her 2020 goals? Watch your backs, P.C.!
Thomas stalks Hope and she forgives him because he knows how to belt a smock.
■ We got a two-for-one on Y&R, which toasted 2020 and celebrated Nick’s actual birthday (born on screen Dec. 31, 1988).
Jack: “Any resolutions or are you already perfect?”
Victor: “I actually resolved to be nice to you.”
Jack: “You’re kidding.”
Victor: “I am.”
That’s gold, people.
As the A-listers mingled, something we didn’t see convinced Chelsea to go from
a nonsensical exchange at Christmas (Adam: “I love you” Chelsea: “You’re confused”) to allowing Nick to break up with her so she could go home to candlelight and sex with his formerly amnesiac criminal brother.
Adam: “I see the real you ... to you and me and what can be.”
Blech. And if there’s anything more boring than watching Billy and Amanda at a dive bar talking about how much they hate everyone, don’t show it to me.
Far more entertaining were Kevin and Chloe trying to announce their pregnancy but being thwarted at every turn.
Esther: “I’ve joined a dating app!”
Oh, dear. Mazel to the expectant couple — let’s see more of them.
■ We saw more of Doug and Julie (finally!) at their festive bash at Julie’s Place on DAYS. Kayla confessed to Justin that she thought she saw Steve at Christmas except he didn’t have an eye patch and they didn’t speak.
Justin: “I don’t understand.”
Me, neither. Patch is now Stefano and Hope’s body has been inhabited by Princess Gina for over a year, which means none of her loved ones have noticed her bizarre skulking around John. That’s preposterous even for a show that’s had 90 percent of its cast return from the dead. Even when a smartie like Kayla suspects the truth, they are somehow talked out of it. Kate: “Who is he, Patchy Claus? If it’s Steve playing Santa why isn’t he wearing an eye patch?”
This is what passes for reality in Salem.
That said, all those unwanted guests made for a rollicking ball drop.
John (to Marlena): “What do you say we go to this party and forget about Hope and Stefano?”
Enter “Hope” and
“Stefano”.
“I’m back!” he announced, posing as Patch. Justin immediately laid into him for missing Adrienne’s funeral and abandoning Kayla but Patchy Claus only had eyes for Marlena.
Elsewhere, Lani “the nun” popped in on Eli and Gabi, and Kristen “the nun” surprised Brady and Nicole. It was all farfetched and outlandish, but the funniest was that DAYS couldn’t say what year it was because of the time jump.
Julie: “Let’s all raise a glass to the year that is to come!”
■ The “year that is to come” on B&B is building to the Forrester fashion showdown, so sorry kids — no room for a fun party or anything that doesn’t involve Thomas or those plotting against him.
Steffy: “My brother wants to win the contest for Hope.”
Sally: “Can I ask how that happened?”
Steffy: “It’s a complicated relationship.”
Yes, Thomas stalks Hope and she forgives him because he knows how to belt a smock. It’s not complicated, it’s pathological.
Thomas: “I am the ruler of this kingdom. I will celebrate the day that I take the women and the children to your gravesite and remind them what a twotiming son of a bitch you are.”
Liam: “Is that a threat?”
Nothing gets by him. I’d give every sequin in L.A. to watch Liam, Brooke and Bill flatten that perv (enough with the shots of him staring at Hope’s breasts!) and shut him up for good.
Bill: “I don’t trust that twisted freak.”
5-4-3-2 ... cue the celebration!
■ Hey. It’s only my opinion.